Catharsis [❁]Sunday, October 07, 2012
So many things have been bugging me for the last few days. Yes, it's been the start of a fresh new month, and it was not a good one for me. For once, I want everything out of my system so I am writing them down today. (I'm listening to emo songs of Snow Patrol while writing this xD). Usually, my method of relieving emotions is by watching tear-jerking movies. Through that way, I could cry away all the pain that I am feeling. But I realized it doesn't really address the problem. It may alleviate the heavy feeling through tears but sooner or later it would return again, in worse case more poignant than before. So here I am writing it all away.
September was one great one for me (and for my sis!) because a lot of "firsts" happened (saw Maroon 5 perform, cheered for our university in the cheerdance competition, and watched a musical at the CCP). Does this mean October's gonna be horrible? T_T I hope not.
I couldn't work well throughout the week because of those problems. For the first time, I felt alone and vulnerable. I remember I once wished to experience a paradigm shift, and I guess it happened today. Really, be careful what you wish for.
Actually I really don't know how to put everything into words the feelings that I have right now because I have shielded myself to these ideas too much that I cannot pinpoint the real identity of the enemy anymore. That has always been one my defense mechanisms. I would just hide everything even from myself, that's why I don't really share things that much to people (with an exception of a handful). My mindset is like this -- I just keep things to myself because talking about it with someone would just make it more real (because I already sent it out to the universe, that kind of feeling). As with if I only keep it to myself and pretend that it never happened, it would feel less true and less real like it's just something that I only imagined.
Whew, this is more difficult than I imagined it. Right now, my mind is a little foggy because I really don't know where to start. I believe this is one case of psychological repression and now those thoughts have resurfaced again.
Okay first off, let's just say home is not the way I used to know it, or more like it was never like I thought it was. Get it? Now that this realization has come to light, the foundations that I had in my life has come tumbling down and I'm now left hurt and confused. I know I'm old enough to understand these things but there would always be that child in me that will always desire a happy family. :'\
I think this is one problem, with the deepest roots, that have triggered to life all the others that are peacefully in slumber because of my mind's repression. I really don't know how things would progress from now. I'm trying to be positive and all that but sometimes I'm just too weak that I break down. The waves of depression are here again.
In times like this, I'm really thankful that my sister is here with me. She's really my ultimate buddy. It's also helpful to listen to music. Also, I need to pray more. :(
I need to find my way out of these problems. I see most of them as self-inflicted and self-made horrible illusions. I just have to create the correct mindset.
I'm still young and it's not too late. I hope in the future when I get to read this entry again, I would be smiling because I have already surpassed this ordeal.
I guess I'm in the mood for a sad movie tonight after all. And hey, it started raining again. Perfect. (-__-)