Real-Life Roller-Coaster Ride [❁]Sunday, March 01, 2015
Was it just two weeks? The memories are a blur now. I have never experienced this kind of loops of ups and downs in just a span of days and it's kind of overwhelming really. One day I was anxious and depressed at the same time, waiting in the hospital questioning previous acts that I have done in my life that led to this moment and by the next day I was overly happy because I finally got the results of an application and it was positive news (clue: related to travel). And then the next week, I had the "dreaded talk" and have been confirmed of the worst scenario that can happen for my career, which led to hours (that turned into days) of confusion and deep thoughts about what I really want to do in life and if I'm still really happy where I am now. It came to that moment when I couldn't take in all those emotions anymore and I just had a mental breakdown. Thank God I had music to calm my nerves and to carry on with my day.
I just realized this is the longest time that passed without me updating the blog. So now I am writing everything down because it has always been therapeutic for me. So, where do I start? *sigh*
This rollercoster ride started when I experienced pains in my upper abdomen that lasted for days. I was getting worried with it already (especially when it felt more painful after eating lunch in an unlimited buffet) so I decided impromptu to go to the hospital immediately the next day. The doctor suspected gall bladder stones but suggested I do an ultrasound to make sure. My family has history of that and I was so worried because if curing the pain would need surgery, aside from requiring to shell out some money, this would mean that the trip that I have planned for over a year will not happen. I could not bring myself to focus on stuff on that day but I still pushed to do some work stuff (because it's all piling up already). I had problems also with the schedule of the tests at the hospital so I had to take some more days off from work. Good thing there was a holiday that week so I had another day off. Last day of the week came and I was able to get the news from the doctor that it was not as worse as I imagined it. I just had to take some medicines until the pain goes away.
Next week was business as usual. Though I just got a bit sad because it turns out some stuff that I did seemed to backlash to me. Last week I felt my health was at stake. This week, I felt my career was at stake. I have A LOT of things that I want to rant here, but I think it is better that I don't. Let's just say I pushed to concentrate to do some tasks last week even if I was not feeling okay, but it turned unappreciated. No one even asked what happened, and if I was alright (save for one kind soul). Well I shouldn't expect something like that anyway, *sigh* but I just got depressed because of that. I have always learned information from the things that they were not saying, and I am learning a lot from them still. I don't know if I am just overreacting or what, but they say sometimes you just have to trust your intuition.
So fast forward to today, after hours and hours of contemplation (with tears involved) I have chosen to focus on the brighter side, to focus on the lessons that I can get from my current situation. There are lots of things that I am learning and I am very thankful that there are lots of people guiding me on this. I am still at the crossroad but I have decided to walk on aligning my career path with the opportunities that's becoming available to me today. Maybe that is the better road for me, I will never know until I try it. Plus, this is a more challenging path (as this is outside my expertise) and will surely help me in "climbing up the ladder".
I will never be able to say this in real life, but I want to send out this to the person has really guided me ever since I entered that place. I have learned a lot, and still continuing to learn a lot from her. I'm feeling (and I am 100% sure) that I won't be under her wing for so long, and all the pressure that's placed on me is for preparing me for a bigger challenge in the future.
I will do my best. I am being pushed to my limits, and I up to the challenge. I want to conquer this. I will conquer this, and I will emerge as a better person in the end. I am preparing myself for the new things to come. It will surely be difficult, but knowing that someone out there is believing that I would be able to do it is enough for me to get me to my destination.
The past few weeks felt like a long stretch. It was exhausting, but I saw the purpose of it. Hwaiting. Hoping for the best in the future. #icandothis #gogogo