As I was trying to process these overwhelming emotions, I just couldn't help but go back to the feeling of gratitude that I always had since getting together with him. I truly believe that he was an answered prayer, and I was happy. Even up to the last moment, I was still in awe like it was still not sinking in that I found someone like him, someone that loved and cared for me. However, now, I'm dealing with the loss of it, and this agony is so unimaginably heavy.

At this point during my voice notes recording, wherein I was continuously ugly crying, I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. As I saw the remnants of the last meal that I had with him, I cried again. The feeling was just so crazy and painful. 😔 I was beginning to notice that the feelings of sadness and pain comes and goes like waves. One moment I was feeling okay, and then when a thought or memory comes back, I suddenly start crying again. That's what has been happening. I feel like this is grief. I am grieving the relationship that I had.

I want to set guidelines for myself. I don't want to linger with past emotions. I don't want to be that kind of person that would look back on messages. Also I don't want to scroll that much on social media, especially on Instagram reels, because I have experienced them having a negative effect on my mental state. Since I also have built out habits around him, I would have to start replacing them with new ones. I know for sure, overthinking will come. Sadly this time around, no one will be there to give me assurance. I have to get it from myself. What he will do from this point forward will be out of my control. I'll need to focus on myself.

I woke up from a short-one-hour sleep, and I cried again as soon as the memories loaded. Now I was in the stage wherein I was questioning things. Which of them were true and sincere? Which of them were not? The last thing I wanted was to taint those happy memories that I have created with this person. I don't want to muddle them with these heightened emotions. Because of these confused thoughts, I just started getting tearful again.

The physical manifestations came rushing in again. The pain in my chest. The adrenaline rush. I remembered when I was single, there was this recurring thought wherein I haven't really had the full range of human emotions because I haven't felt the highest of highs of happiness and the lowest of lows of misery. However, since meeting him, I have felt the happiness of being in love. And now, the Universe is giving me the other extreme side of the spectrum. 

When I was in love, I had an added layer of understanding about life, like oh so this is what all the love songs were about. Listening to Taylor Swift songs hit differently actually. And now, oh wow, this time, I would be consuming the sad TS songs in a whole different way now. 😔

I started to disconnect from the things that connected us, may it be of physical things or virtual things. It would help in coping and in moving on.

I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends. It was a 2h25m call. I messaged her on Instagram at around 4:00AM telling her I won't make it on our scheduled trips. To my surprise, she was online. She offered to call even though she was catching up with some work 🥺 and so there, I poured out my emotions with her. And boy, I believe God sent her to me precisely during this time because I heard from her the opinion and advice that I needed to hear without any sugarcoating. I realized things that I was repeatedly ignoring and her insight gave me more perspective. 

I wasn't able to make some decent sleep, but surprisingly my mind and body are still alert. Maybe this is because I am currently running on a fight-or-flight mode. Just on the onset, I had to stop myself from doing things out of habit. I cried while having breakfast. I felt like I didn't have any appetite and I was afraid I would throw up again. I slowly arranged my things in my room, and in the afternoon, I started writing this blog entry.

As I continue to process these emotions, I kind of realized that maybe this was a blessing from the Universe also. It takes courage for one to have these difficult conversations. We finally head-on acknowledged the elephant in the room, which we always recognized was with us. It was only until that talk that we took a closer look on what plan (or the lack of plan) we had to address it.

Universe/God/Creator, I'm so grateful for my mom. I broke down crying the moment I got home. I'm thankful to have that moment with her. Also, thank you for the opportunity that I got to say the things that I wanted to say for the longest time to my sister. 

I want to promise myself that I will love myself more, and put myself first. And I will pray and be closer to God. I will also surround myself with the people that care for me. 

This too shall pass. 🙏 ✨

Time check: 01:00 AM on a Monday. 

I know I should be sleeping and resting since it's the start of the work week. But instead, here I am still wide awake -- my body, mind, and soul running on survival mode. 😔

I always thought that I would do well during times when I feel negative emotions or when life throws me lemons. I am very familiar with the power of meditation and journaling for dealing with overwhelming surges of emotions. However, maybe theoretical skills just don't always translate into practical skills. 😅 Like right now, I should have placed into practice all the things I learned about mindfulness, but instead I found myself here, in the early hours of the morning, having an emotional meltdown.

For the last several hours, I have been trying to sleep. But my mind is running around in a feast giving me all the intrusive thoughts in the world, as my eyes continuously flowed with tears. Honestly, I don't know who my enemy is anymore. Do you know that feeling when something feels too good to be true, you nitpick out things that you might be missing something? I found myself looking into the details and finding loopholes that I might be neglecting or missing out. It's my brain's way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt, and so I zoom in to every action to see if there's something I need to be alert of. I gave in to intrusive thoughts, and things went out of control. There are things I did that I think are irreversible now, but thankfully, I still had the presence of mind to not further incur damage. I think I made the right choice to unplug because I feel like the online noise is just feeding the beast inside of me.

And so here I am again, back to my online haven, my safe sanctuary, which I have actually ignored for months now. I think I would spend more time here, to further digest my emotions and really see where I want to go from here.

I want to be busy with work. I want to focus more on my hobbies. I want to invest more in myself. Currently, I'm drowning in responsibilities. My to-do list is getting longer every day, and my commitments to people are piling up. There's just really a lot of things going on. Many new things have been introduced in my life, and I have a whole different set of responsibilities and commitments. However, what's clear now to me as I go on writing this entry is that I want to return to writing and setting goals, because those activities have always been my guide to my North Star. Those activities made me feel like my life has a purpose and those provided a kind of fulfillment that I needed.

I guess it's clear now. I am going back to this safe sanctuary that I have been with for more than a decade. I need more time for myself, more time to arrange my thoughts without any input from social media or  an AI chatbot. 😅 That would help me digest and figure out what I really want out of life in general. Of course, I would reach out to people that care about me, in every form that I might be in. I am very grateful to have them in my life. I want to break down the things I need to do and move forward with actions that align with my life's purpose, one step at a time. I believe in myself, and I believe that I will get there in time.