This experience occurred several weeks ago and significantly shifted my entire being, my perspective on the world, and how I will navigate life moving forward. To provide some context, I am not particularly religious; I would describe myself more as a spiritual person. I was raised as a Catholic, but as I grew older, especially during high school and college, my beliefs expanded beyond traditional religious teachings to include more spiritual practices. 

Over the years since college, I have been fluid in my beliefs, discovering spiritual concepts and foundations in other religions, such as Buddhism. I became deeply interested in meditation and other spiritual modalities (especially during the pandemic) and those became the foundation of my belief system.

However, several weeks ago, something clicked within me when I attended church on that fateful Sunday morning. On that day, my boyfriend and I arranged to meet to attend a mass. He is a dedicated Catholic. This aspect of him truly fascinated me, as it is not common in my circle to encounter a devout Catholic; most of the people I interact with are agnostic believers. He knows that I am not a practicing Catholic, but he accepted that. I admitted to him that I usually attend church only on special occasions, with my last visit being on New Year’s Day. He told me I was a "cafeteria Catholic." I had to Google what it meant. Well yes, I think it was accurate for him to say that about me. 😅

Even though I was not a regular church goer as an adult, church played a huge part in my childhood because my mother used to serve in church. I was kind of surprised that I still knew the songs that were sung during that mass, even having the lyrics memorized. It's as if some core childhood memories were being unearthed during that moment. 

Then came the homily, where things shifted significantly. I couldn't help but cry while seated in the mass. I was really ugly crying, like OMG. 😢 I felt fortunate to have a caring boyfriend who lent me his handkerchief to dry my tears (which he had done for me before). I let my tears flow because the lessons the priest shared struck a chord in my heart. And then I realized the things I had been lacking all these years. I recognized that I had been practicing a form of self-service DIY faith. While I know my faith is pure and my intentions are genuine in wanting to serve and give back to the community, I realized that the keyword is community. That is one thing missing in my life. I had forgotten or overlooked the importance of belonging to a strong community that would help me grow as a believer and guide me on my spiritual journey. I also realized that this might be the reason I am easily swayed by my inner demons. My faith feels weak because I have been nurturing it alone. This isolation makes me susceptible to negative thoughts and overthinking. I understand now that my foundation of faith has not been strong enough.

When the time for receiving communion came, a dream rushed back to me. I vividly remembered that a few weeks ago, I actually dreamed of receiving communion. I have not done so in a long while so I felt like it was really a weird dream. Well, little did I know that it's the Universe planting seeds into my mind.  I felt that this was the moment the Universe had led me to, a time for me to look back and renew my faith. I got up, went in line, and received my first communion since college. I felt ready to accept my faith again. 

As I knelt down and prayed after receiving communion, the tears flowed again, and I let it all out. Those tears were the culmination of years of feeling lost, a realization that I had been lost in my faith. Finally, I felt like I was home, and that I have finally found something that I could lean on to grow my faith.

 
I hope I didn't make my boyfriend feel awkward during that time, but that moment was truly something between me and my Creator. I am so happy, so glad, and so thankful that I found my way back to my faith.

After the mass, I felt really light, and it felt like a full circle because we visited the university campus where I graduated. We strolled around, and it made me reminisce, feeling nostalgic as I recognized my college building. Even after all these years, it felt the same, despite the many new buildings nearby. It felt both old and new at the same time, which resonates with how I feel about my faith. My faith is something that has been within me since childhood, yet it feels new to me at this stage of my life because I have not practiced it in a while. I felt like a renewed person that day.

The day after, I felt a shift in my body. I felt lighter, and the most amazing thing was that my kinder inner voice returned. This inner voice, which I didn't know I had lost, was the one that helped me navigate through high school and college during stressful times. I didn't even realize it had faded away. 

I also felt more secure in my romantic relationship, recognizing that God made him an instrument to restore my faith. For the past few weeks, I struggled with trusting people, especially regarding things beyond my control. This was an area in our relationship that I found challenging. However, now that I recognize and trust that God sent him to me for a purpose, I see him as someone from God. Previously, I had difficulty placing my trust, but now I can say that he has my heart and my trust. I know nothing is certain in the future, but at this moment, I am grateful that he led me back to Him. 

It's still a work in progress, but I am feeling a renewed gusto for life. I want to do better and be a better human being, especially for myself and for the people I love. I am slowly renewing my inner garden, reshaping how I see life, myself, and my purpose.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you, God. Thank you, Creator, for allowing me to experience this moment. I am grateful for it and will carry that gratitude for the rest of my life. 💖