I just had the longest sleep last night (4 hours 😅) for the first time since it happened. I can still feel the physical pain in my body, but I do notice that things feel somewhat less intense than before. I was able to complete stuff for work and personal. I was finally able to do some things that have been queued for a while in my to-do list. I feel like I was still able to be productive for that day.

You know one thing that helped lighten up my mood today? My rediscovery for my love for KPOP music. 

Last night, I was chatting with friends and I just randomly asked for KPOP song recommendations. I forgot that these friends are second-generation KPOP girlies. So when I played their song recommendations, it felt like I was taken back to 2010, those years when me and my sister were at our peak of our fangirling activities. All the happy memories rushed back, and I really felt my body chemistry change. My mind and body travelled back in time.

It amazed me how much music can tap and change my body chemistry. It was really like a time capsule. With this discovery, I felt grateful because I really needed those happy hormones, especially during this time. ✨

~o~

As I continued processing these feelings, I realized how much I was emotionally invested in that relationship. I have to say it was a gradual process, but as the months passed by, the feelings really deepened. I guess that was just natural, especially if you are feeling happy and taken care of in a relationship.

At this point, my mind was still drowning with grief, and so my judgement was still clouded. Doubts and frustrations filled my mind. I tried to analyze things a thousand ways (as I tend to do). However, I realized that nothing will come out of this. There's no way for me to confirm my assumptions, and there were just a number of things that were out of my control. And I told myself, I have to be okay with that. I have to come to terms with that. Instead of spending energy overthinking, I have to refocus and redirect all this restless energy back to myself, where I have control. I have to move around the space where I have control. 

There's a prayer that says:

This is my plea. With all the things that have happened, I have to see things at face value. There's no use of overanalyzing things. I will just exhaust myself into oblivion. 

The Universe knows how I felt during that relationship. God knows how happy I was and how I treasured each moment. I poured out all the love that I saved up all my life to someone that reciprocated it. It was not a smooth ride, I have to admit. I saw versions of me that I didn't know I had. I learned from my mistakes. I felt human because of all the emotions that I have felt. And now, as I'm going through another transformation, I can really feel that I am changing as a person. It's kind of bittersweet, knowing that I would not be able to love the same way again, because my heart has already experienced pain and loss. 💔

But, as I have already mentioned in previous posts, this experience is making me more compassionate. I had one-on-one talks with my friends about matters of the heart, and in the process, I was able to get to know them more. And I noticed that really, those people who were hurt the most, were able to sympathize deeply with me. They have this grit about life's struggles, because they have gone through a lot. And I realized those experiences made them stronger, and made them who they are today. This observation really fascinated me. This is how life is, really. Experience is the greatest teacher in life.

Again, I go back to that feeling of gratefulness that things happened as they were. We have imparted lots of lessons to each other that I know we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. Everything happens for a reason, and for this one, the purpose, is becoming clearer and clearer to me. 🙂