I'm not sure now how it happened, but one day I suddenly remembered that I used to love taking photos. I specifically had a niche back then... live music and astrophotography. I think recent events planted some seeds in my mind because suddenly I remembered the things that I was passionate about.

One day, I revisited my Flickr account. I realized I missed shooting with a camera. I know our smartphones do have a camera, but it still hits differently when you have a separate gadget that is intentional for taking photos. I kind of compare shooting photos with a camera with listening to music via vinyl records. Those activities are intentional, compared to just taking photos on your camera or listening to music via Spotify or YouTube Music. For me, intentional activities make the experience more enriching and immersive.

Now that I picked up a camera again, my subject of interest has changed. I am now more into capturing people's photos… framing emotions in an image to last forever. I think my recent experiences with The Shared Table have influenced me pursuing another type of photography.

I grabbed the first opportunity to shoot when it came to me: a Toastmasters speech contest.

I am realizing that I love taking photos of people’s reactions, emotions, and gestures. And that’s what I strived to capture with every shutter click of the camera.

I want to capture that moment when people laughed because of what the speaker said. I want to shoot those moments when people socialized and mingled with each other during breaks in the program. I want to catch the emotions of pride of the mentors as they watch their mentees on the stage.

I knew something special was fueling me when had the energy to sift through 900+ photos (I was shooting in burst mode 🤣) of that event, as soon as I got home, to be able to get the shots that I liked. The process felt like a breeze as well. I thought I won't be able to finish tagging and editing all the photos, but I was able to curate them and upload them online all in that same night.

I closed my laptop past midnight already, but my mind was still awake. I was feeling happy, because I was able to produce an output that I liked.

This was my first attempt to shoot after a while, and I feel energized doing it again. I know I still have a lot to learn about the technical side of photography, but I do know that my heart is already in it. ✨

I'm excited to shoot more photos and create more memories! 📷✨

Some say it’s heartbreak, but I now just look at it as a form of grief. It’s having an overflowing energy of love, but there’s nowhere for it to go anymore. You’re forced to shut it off, but you can’t. Before, I thought grief could only be associated with the feelings for someone who has passed away, but it is the same emotion that can be felt for someone who is still alive, but is no longer with you.

And so, this day last year was the start of my journey to manage this very powerful emotion that I still didn’t know how to carry. Each day was a unique experience with it. Some days it was small. Some days it was huge and dark and cold. Some days it was a huge wave that came crashing into my soul, making me incapable of doing even the most basic of things. 🌊 😔

They say grief comes in waves. And I now have my first-hand experience of this. It came to a point when the waves were larger than life, and it felt so overwhelming that I was absolutely drowning in it. My existence was in survival mode for most of those months. My inner demons, who have been co-habiting with me all my life, saw this as a perfect chance to overpower me. 😅

It was a roller-coaster ride. I learned a lot about my coping mechanisms (which, interestingly, excluded drinking, and I thank the Universe for that).

I journaled a lot, most of which have not seen the light of day again. I don’t know if I will publish them here. Maybe yes, maybe no. 😅

I worked out a lot (well, not a lot a lot, but it was a lot by my standards 🤣). It served as a means of releasing the stress and anxiety from my system because exercise produces those happy hormones that helped me stabilize my mind.

I read a lot. It’s fascinating that I suddenly became interested in all the self-help books that tackled what I was currently going through. It felt like it was part of my coping strategy to learn more about what I was going through so that I could survive it.

Looking back, I realized... What a journey that was. And it’s already been a year? Time really flies... I was not having fun though, but time did pass by, and it will continue to do so, regardless of my state of mind.

I feel it in my bones how much I have changed. It was indeed a transformation. Really, experience is the best teacher. That’s the gift that I have received from everything that happened. I am now braver to show how I care because I learned that life is a fleeting experience, and not all opportunities will be there forever. So, if you have something to say to someone you love, or you want to do something for someone you care about, you do it... because you might not have the opportunity to do it in the future.
And really, vulnerability is scary, but with the right person, it feels... safe. 🥰 That is what I am learning this time around. 😊

I now love, not out of fear, but because I want to. And I now know that whatever happens, I will be okay.

As I end writing this post, I look at the clock. Around this time, I would have been en route to my home after befriending grief. So, in the tiniest possibility that the bootstrap paradox is possible, I would like to create a causal loop. Tonight, as I see my younger self arriving home, in broken pieces, fresh from the disentanglement, I want to reach out to her across time and give her a long hug. I will tell her...

"Hey, Kath. I am you, just a year older. It’s okay. Everything will be alright. You are not seeing it yet, but you will eventually get where I am now. You will go through a lot, but you will power through it. A lot of people around you will pour their heart and care for you. Receive them. You are not alone in this journey. Always remember that I love you so much." ✨

Today, my grief is not totally non-existent. I think it’s impossible to eliminate it. I learned that I would, from time to time, mourn the version of myself that lived that life. 

It took a village for me to get where I am now, and I will always have gratitude towards the people who helped me, and are continuing to give a helping hand. 😊 Life is life-ing. ✨🥰

Like with most people, I first encountered this title, this work of fiction, through the movie. The movie generated a lot of buzz and was very popular several months back, but for one reason or another, I wasn't able to catch it because I wasn't really into going to the cinema (which is slowly changing by the way 😀).

 

I first heard about this from a Toastmaster friend who suggested we watch the movie after one of our meetings. He was the same person who requested to watch the movie "Obsession." Unfortunately, our schedules did not align, and we weren't able to catch the movie screening at the cinema. 

 

Fast forward to May, when I attended one of the Philippine Astronomical Society's Astro camp (which I haven't blogged about here 😅), I learned that one of the prizes they gave away in a past Astro camp  was a copy of the book. This piqued my curiosity because that just shows this book is well-loved by those space enthusiasts. It was also timely because I was, at that time, slowly returning to my roots as a space nerd. I got a copy of the book and started reading that same month. 

 

I just finished the book today. I spent two months reading it. 😅 It could have taken me longer if not for my drive to watch the movie version soon,  because I learned that it is now available on Prime Video.

 

The premise of the story is interesting. However, even for someone who loves space, I got a bit overwhelmed with a lot of the technical explanations elaborated in the book regarding the physics and the chemistry involved in the plot. 😅 Still, things do get interesting when Dr. Grace, the protagonist, meets "Rocky", the alien, in his space journey. I enjoyed all their interaction in the book.

 

I've heard a lot of praises about the movie, that it was tear-jerking and had a plot twist at the end. I didn't want to get spoiled while still reading the book, that's why I was really looking forward to finishing reading the novel. However, when I did, the ending didn't move me, the way I expected it to.

 

Overall, I would give it a 4/5. It's not something that I would remember for long after reading it. Let's see how it pans out when I watch the movie, which I plan to do at the end of this week. 😁

First and foremost, I have to say that I wouldn't think I would be here writing about this kind of review on the blog because this type of movie is something I would never watch on my own (because I am a scaredy-cat😅). However, through socializing and being with people who are different from me, I tend to experience things I never thought I would experience for myself. Watching this horror movie is one of those experiences. 😅

It was a very energetic day after a Toastmasters meeting, and most of the members were hyped and still had a lot of energy for socializing. As part of our usual routine, we wanted to do something to bond together after the meeting. One of our members suggested watching this movie. Fortunately, we had a member who lives nearby, and she was kind enough to host this impromptu team-building activity. There were around 10 of us who came to our member's place, and all of us made ourselves comfortable on their sofa, in front of the TV. It was the perfect place to watch a movie because they had great speakers, which contributed to the horror-movie experience.

I knew my tolerance for horror movies. I feel brave watching horror movies when I'm with my friends or in a group because I enjoy the collective screaming that we do. 😆For this movie, Obsession, I have heard of it from months back because of all the social media noise that it had several months back. I already have seen a lot of memes and references about the movie so I very well know the plot and how it ends. But of course, it's still a different experience watching the actual movie itself. I am not ashamed to admit that I had my hands on my face during some  scenes, especially during the latter part of the movie when things were really going crazy.

Even though I was afraid and feeling uneasy about the movie, I felt safe in real life because someone was holding my space and my energy. I am thankful for that person for holding space for me and letting me know that there is someone who would protect me in real life. 😍

Of course, I very well know that the movie is just fiction and a product of the imagination, but there were some overlaps of elements in the film that I subscribe to in real life. One specific example is the reference to the tiger's eye crystal. Well I actually had a crystal bracelet of that that night, which was uncanny. I felt ambivalent about mentioning it to them, so I didn't anymore. Else, I would feel more creeped out. Also, I know for myself that I easily get disturbed by works of fiction in all spans of genre, may it be horror, suspense, thriller, or even romance. I am sensitive to feeling intense emotional energy. I remember years back, I had nightmares following a visit to an escape room so I guess I really have to watch out for myself in consuming these kinds of content.

I've read that this was a low-budget film, and I see how that played throughout the movie. Of course, how you do a horror movie is all about the execution. Those who have watched the movie would surely highlight or mention the same scenes that really creeped under their skin. Even though I was half-closing my eyes, I still saw some of them. It was very unsettling. However, I have to say that it was very satisfying to have our collective screams that night. Expectedly, it was mostly the girls who were really screaming their lungs out.  😆 The part that I don't like was having flashbacks of specific scenes from the movie when I'm alone, and that's what happened the night after watching it. It didn't help that I was still running on caffeine due to the coffee I drank over dinner. I also already had sleeping issues. I have my meds for it, but initially I decided to not take it because it would contradict with the effects of the caffeine. However, I just couldn't sleep, up until the wee hours of the morning. I eventually took my meds and tried to sleep at 3AM, with the lights on because I was still feeling afraid. 😆 As expected, I woke up very groggy and tired the next day.

I have to say that one thing I learned about myself in this movie experience is that I really need to be cautious on how the materials I consume would affect me. I don't need to avoid them, but I have to know my boundaries. I need to supervise myself when consuming these kinds of content because it affects me in ways that are not good for my mental health. 

 But overall, it was a great experience. I got to bond with my fellow Toastmaster friends. It was a memorable fellowship night. If we're going to have another movie marathon, I would suggest that we avoid the horror genre and maybe select a lighter mood for a movie. Perhaps a sci-fi or an animation, or something that is just light on the senses. 

Still, it was a great experience, and it was wonderful to bond over this movie with my fellow members that night. ✨

Yesterday, I had a bit of a unique experience. Some of my neighbors, families that I’ve known all my life, have gone through significant life events. One of our earliest childhood friends laid their father to rest. On the other hand, another family in our neighborhood lost a baby (😭), and was also laid to rest.

When I first heard about it, I didn’t think much of it, perhaps because I was still processing everything. However, visiting them truly made an impact on me.

Our first stop was at our childhood friend’s father’s wake. We know each other’s siblings. They were like an extended family. Seeing them again after decades was emotional. They had last seen me when I was still in grade school before they moved away from our neighborhood, but seeing them yesterday and hugging them, not just normal hugs, but full bear hugs, felt like I was transported back to my childhood years.

Seeing their older faces while still recognizing the same eyes and smiles shifted something inside me. It reminded me that yes, time has truly passed. Seeing their father peacefully resting there made me confront the reality that moments like this are inevitable. These are my parents’ peers, and I can’t fully articulate how that affects me, but something inside me was stirred.

We talked for a bit, reminisced, and they asked about my siblings. I told them that I’m the only one left here. I sent photos of them to my siblings through our family group chat, and they all recognized those same familiar faces, just older versions now. It felt so touching. In a way, I feel like I reconnected with my childhood self.

In that same memorial building (I'm not sure if that is the correct term), we moved to the next room to visit the next family. I thought I was ready, but upon opening the door and seeing that small casket, I felt my energy change. It was my first time to see something like this, and when I approached and looked at the angel laid inside, I couldn't help but tear up. I think it hurts more to see something like this versus the previous one we visited, because for the case of the father, he has already lived a life, and it felt right to have him resting now. But for this little one, a rush of what-ifs came in, the life he could have lived. 😭

Between these two deaths, the latter feels more painful because that short-lived life carried so much potential. It had only just begun. Everyone was anticipating the arrival of an angel, but due to certain circumstances, that life was gone almost as soon as it arrived. 

I am still absorbing the lessons and realizations from these experiences, but the overarching lesson that I am getting here is to always celebrate life, even if it lasts only for a short while, whether hours or decades. Every life is loved by the people around them, and the time spent with those people, how long or how short it could be, still holds the same value altogether.

Life is precious. So while you can, hug the people who are dear to you. Tell them you love them, whenever you have the opportunity. This life is just something borrowed, and we never know when the last chance for a conversation or interaction will come. Every moment counts. Every moment is precious. Every moment is something to be cherished, forever. ✨

This annual conference (also referred to as Discon) is a weekend-long event that Toastmasters from all over the country participate in. This is my second time attending. My first one was held in Cebu. For this year, it was held in Pampanga. It was a jam-packed weekend with many social events and opportunities to meet fellow Toastmasters from all around the country. I had a great experience, and I am still hyped; I should be physically recovering from the event, but my mind is still buzzing from all the things that happened, so I knew I needed to unpack and process them all here. 📝

One of my reasons for joining Toastmasters, aside from the usual goal of developing public speaking skills, is my fascination with listening to other people's stories. I am truly captivated by the narratives shared through speeches by each member, since I can pick up nuggets of wisdom from every speaker I listen to. Part of the activities in the Discon is the speech contests finals. The contest has different categories (Table Topics, Humorous Speech, Evaluation, and the International Speech). I really got to enjoy watching the International Speech contest speakers. I felt incredibly inspired by the speeches delivered that I couldn't put my phone down because I was busy taking notes. 😅 

Here's what I have noted down. 💗

The speech was about not going with society's expectations for certain timelines because, of course, we know that comparison with others is the thief of happiness. I've heard this message so many times: everyone has their own pace. You don't have to compare yourself with others. However, what sprinkled the ✨magic✨ for me was when he said:

In nature, there are no timelines.

Do flowers bloom all at the same time? 🌷

Do stars shine at the same levels? 🌟

Each living thing having its own timeline actually makes nature beautiful, just like flowers. Each of us is a unique creature, and collectively, that makes us all beautiful, fascinating, and amazing. At that moment, I felt like senses got hyped up, like I was receiving energy from somewhere. It was a full circle moment because I have been receiving messages from the universe about the theme of being one with the universe (through that recent astro camp that I participated in, which I have not yet written here about 😅), and so hearing that same message in a different form really hit the bulls eye for me. 🎯 I was in a public space so I had to contain some of the emotions (HAHAHA or else my clubmates would see me breaking down LOL) but I got really teary-eyed, and as the speech concluded, I felt a tear flow down my cheek. It was just the first speaker, and so I felt like I was really in for a good show for that day (also thanks to our mentor for reserving us the best seats in the house ✨).

This speech was about pursuing your dreams as long as you're alive and breathing, and not giving up on what you truly want to achieve in life. One of the driving points of his speech was that if you're still here, still alive, still breathing, it means that you are not done. It means that you still have a purpose in this life, and there is still something worth pursuing.

This resonated with me, especially with the recent themes in my life. As long as I'm breathing and alive, there is still a purpose for me. There is still something worthwhile for me to do in this life. It was a beautiful reminder to live fully: having dreams and goals, and simply enjoying life while you're still alive.

It was an inspirational speech about doing things even if you're not ready. Because really: when are we ever ready?

One of the phrases that I really liked from that speech was:

"The experience itself frees us from the fear of it."

There are many things that I was afraid of trying or doing because of the fear of the unknown and uncertainty. But as soon as I exposed myself to it, as soon as I did the very thing that I was afraid of, I realized it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Apparently, it was all just in my head.

Hearing that statement reminded me of that fact and further inspired me to continue this current journey of being adventurous: exploring things and doing things that I have not been doing for a while, experiencing things for the first time. As I have written previously in some of my recent posts, if fear is the only thing that prevents me from doing something, the more I want to push myself to do it. So life, let's goooo! ❤️‍🔥

This speech was in my top three. The speaker brilliantly represented milestones of his life with shoes. Some of the things that resonated with me are: 

"Why are you dreaming of a size A life while living a size B life?"

"Why do you continue to live small?"

"The more I want to fit in, the more I feel like I don't belong anywhere." (this is soo chef's kiss 👩‍🍳😘)

"I didn't lose; I just didn't win."

"Life is not a clearance sale; if it doesn't fit, don't force it." (I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH AS WELL ✨✨✨)

This one is about the theme of stepping out of our comfort zones. Her opening hook was: 

"We only live once. I want to live my life and be able to say that... I did that."

She talked about her experience of trying surfing for the first time, and some of the metaphorical phrases she used in that speech were:

"Sometimes, water feels like it holds all the deepest and darkest secrets, only to realize it’s just waist-deep."

"We are not drowning: just overwhelmed: and we just have to open our eyes."

It's so relatable to my current experiences in life (🫂). Sometimes the mind overcompensates or overreacts to things. We tend to overreact and overlook the simplicity of situations. We just have to change our perspective to see things from an easier angle.

This one is about battling addiction. It resonated with me again, especially with my current struggles of feeling out of control because of certain habits that I have. He narrated how you might think you're okay, but because you were engaging in those habits subtly but consistently, day after day, little by little, everything seems fine: until you realize that you are already out of control.

He ended his speech with:

"I'll stay with you until your "just one more" becomes "no more" 

After all the speakers had finished delivering their speeches, I could really feel the buzz in the air. It felt so inspiring. I got reminded of one of my "whys" in Toastmasters: listening to speeches that truly move me. Hearing these different, inspirational stories is powerful: they can really move mountains and emotions, and I want as many people as possible to experience this magic. ✨

Also, I am also just so thankful to have the resources to experience Discon again this year. I'm locking in for Discon 2027, which will be held in Davao. There might still be unknown factors at this point (logistics, etc) but I want to be there again.

This might sound a bit dramatic, but Toastmasters is something I can't walk away from anymore. Being a member of this organization has enriched my life in many ways. I want to continue that. Toastmasters will be my fuel for living this life: being inspired by people, meeting people, and being moved by their stories.