It’s been exactly a year since a part of myself died. Actually, around this time last year, I was being introduced to a (back then) unfamiliar, but very human emotion -- grief.
Some say it’s heartbreak, but I now just look at it as a form of grief. It’s having an overflowing energy of love, but there’s nowhere for it to go anymore. You’re forced to shut it off, but you can’t. Before, I thought grief could only be associated with the feelings for someone who has passed away, but it is the same emotion that can be felt for someone who is still alive, but is no longer with you.
And so, this day last year was the start of my journey to manage this very powerful emotion that I still didn’t know how to carry. Each day was a unique experience with it. Some days it was small. Some days it was huge and dark and cold. Some days it was a huge wave that came crashing into my soul, making me incapable of doing even the most basic of things. 🌊 😔
They say grief comes in waves. And I now have my first-hand experience of this. It came to a point when the waves were larger than life, and it felt so overwhelming that I was absolutely drowning in it. My existence was in survival mode for most of those months. My inner demons, who have been co-habiting with me all my life, saw this as a perfect chance to overpower me. 😅
It was a roller-coaster ride. I learned a lot about my coping mechanisms (which, interestingly, excluded drinking, and I thank the Universe for that).
I journaled a lot, most of which have not seen the light of day again. I don’t know if I will publish them here. Maybe yes, maybe no. 😅
I worked out a lot (well, not a lot a lot, but it was a lot by my standards 🤣). It served as a means of releasing the stress and anxiety from my system because exercise produces those happy hormones that helped me stabilize my mind.
I read a lot. It’s fascinating that I suddenly became interested in all the self-help books that tackled what I was currently going through. It felt like it was part of my coping strategy to learn more about what I was going through so that I could survive it.
Looking back, I realized... What a journey that was. And it’s already been a year? Time really flies... I was not having fun though, but time did pass by, and it will continue to do so, regardless of my state of mind.
I feel it in my bones how much I have changed. It was indeed a transformation. Really, experience is the best teacher. That’s the gift that I have received from everything that happened. I am now braver to show how I care because I learned that life is a fleeting experience, and not all opportunities will be there forever. So, if you have something to say to someone you love, or you want to do something for someone you care about, you do it... because you might not have the opportunity to do it in the future.
And really, vulnerability is scary, but with the right person, it feels... safe. 🥰 That is what I am learning this time around. 😊
I now love, not out of fear, but because I want to. And I now know that whatever happens, I will be okay.
As I end writing this post, I look at the clock. Around this time, I would have been en route to my home after befriending grief. So, in the tiniest possibility that the bootstrap paradox is possible, I would like to create a causal loop. Tonight, as I see my younger self arriving home, in broken pieces, fresh from the disentanglement, I want to reach out to her across time and give her a long hug. I will tell her...
"Hey, Kath. I am you, just a year older. It’s okay. Everything will be alright. You are not seeing it yet, but you will eventually get where I am now. You will go through a lot, but you will power through it. A lot of people around you will pour their heart and care for you. Receive them. You are not alone in this journey. Always remember that I love you so much." ✨
Today, my grief is not totally non-existent. I think it’s impossible to eliminate it. I learned that I would, from time to time, mourn the version of myself that lived that life.
It took a village for me to get where I am now, and I will always have gratitude towards the people who helped me, and are continuing to give a helping hand. 😊 Life is life-ing. ✨🥰
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