The past several months feel like a blur. I didn’t realize it at first, but when someone pointed it out to me, I knew it was true. I feel like I’ve just been cruising through life with very little emotion. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but it feels like recently, I haven’t been fully invested in my own life.

As sad as it sounds, that’s my current reality. If life were food, I’d describe it as bland. I’m doing things just to keep myself going, not because I’m passionate about anything. Passion and inspiration feel muted. Every day feels like I’m on autopilot, like I’m only half-awake. Somewhere deep down, my subconscious knows this and wants to snap me out of it. That’s why I came up with this "timeline loop" mindset, to help me to cope to feel more alive and present.

I started focusing on systems. I’ve always loved to-do lists and the feeling of accomplishing tasks, but lately, I struggle to follow through. I wake up the next day feeling guilty, and because my motivation is low, I don’t get things done. Then the guilt carries over to the next day. It becomes a vicious cycle, one that continues to snowball, making me feel numb about everything.

Interestingly enough, people close to me seem to be going through the same exact thing. What is happening in the world? (😣) Some of my friends and I even joked about blaming it on the Mercury retrograde for all the emotional turbulence. But knowing I’m not alone in this somehow makes it easier.

Attending Alpha sessions were helping me. They help clear my mind and lift the fog. However, the effect doesn’t always last. After a few days, the fog returns, and I feel like a zombie again. 🧟‍♀️

Right now, though, as I'm writing this, I’m in a moment of clarity. So I’m taking this time to reflect.

One thing I’ve realized is that I know what I should be doing. When I talk to people, they’re relieved to hear that I understand what needs to change. But my struggle is the execution. There’s a gap between knowing something intellectually, versus actually taking it to heart and acting on it. That's the gap where I am currently struggling with.

I’ve also noticed that I have become very emotional. My tear ducts respond to even the smallest triggers. But I see this as a good sign. It means I’m releasing. There are still emotions stored within me, but I’m learning to process them better. Things that used to spiral me for hours or days now only affect me for minutes. That’s progress. That’s growth. 💓

Lately, I’ve also been feeling more contemplative with life (am I going through an existential crisis? 😅). I’m trying to step back and ask myself: why am I alive? What is my life's purpose? Why am I here? I recognize that this life, this body and all, is just something borrowed. And anytime, it can be returned back to the Universe, to the higher being that created me. And because of that, I have the understanding that I don’t need to overthink or take some things in life too seriously. As morbid as it sounds, we will all die anyway, right? 😁 I’m in my late 30s now. If the average human lifespan is in the late 70s, that gives me around 40 more years. But time moves so fast. We think we have all the time in the world, but before we know it, it's already the end.  When I imagine myself on my deathbed, I don’t think I’ll care about the things I worry about today. What will matter are the love I gave, the love I received, and the memories I created.

That realization shifted my priorities.

I want to invest in experiences. I want to make time for the people who truly matter. I want to just go for it. Because at this stage in life, I’ve realized that the worst feeling I could have at the end is regret. And regret comes from not doing the things I wanted to do. That’s why I’ve been learning to release grudges. Not for others, but more for myself. I can’t control how people feel or act, but I can control my own energy. Letting go of negativity is how I take care of myself.

I truly believe that no love is ever wasted. Some experiences are painful, but looking back, I don’t have regrets. I did the best that  I could with what I knew at the time. And I don’t blame myself for that. I’m actually tearing up while writing this (HUHU) because I’ve realized, while writing this, that many of the limiting negative beliefs I’ve had all my life were just stories my mind created. They are not true! The mind can play tricks, and it's good to have the tools to differentiate what makes sense versus what's being made up.

Also, I have to say that I deeply treasure the people who have stayed: those who check in, who show up, who care. Painful moments of my life have revealed something beautiful: the helpers. The people who show up for others, even while going through their own struggles. One person, in particular, shared her story with me. Her love story was one that I’ve admired for years. From the outside, it looked perfect. But hearing about the challenges she faced to protect her family made me realize that no love story is perfect. What matters is how we respond to what’s within our control. Listening to those stories had humbled me. These are things people don’t usually share, yet they trusted me with them. And through them, I realized that life is hard, but it can make you stronger. Because looking at them, they've been through those rough life experience, but here they are: stronger and better versions of themselves.

And to bring back my passion with life, that same friend asked: what did you love doing as a kid? And that question stayed with me. Because I think somewhere along the way, I lost joy in the things I used to love: music, concerts, K-dramas, K-pop. Slowly, quietly, that joy faded.

So now, I’m trying to find my way back.

I started by listing the things that make me happy. Simple things like talking to friends, connecting with new people through Toastmasters, spending time with my pets, listening to podcasts, attending Alpha sessions. I’m reconnecting with old interests, like astronomy. I’m taking steps to be more active in the community I joined recently.  I’ve stopped waiting for people to join me before doing the things I want. Some of the best experiences come from doing things alone. I reminded myself: if fear is the only thing holding me back, then it’s probably something worth doing.

After all, I’ve done brave things before.

I’ve done hard things. Brave things. And somewhere along the way, I forgot that. But writing this now reminds me: I am capable. It really helps to be your own best friend: to cheer yourself on, to believe that everything will be okay. Because it will be.

This blog post feels like a love letter to myself. A reminder of who I am and what I’m capable of. 💓

I’ve been blogging for over ten years. I’ve stayed consistent in my own way. I’ve taken care of my health and gotten stronger. I’ve built habits: even small ones, like maintaining a Duolingo streak. I’ve grown in Toastmasters, found my voice, and stepped into leadership. These things matter. I should give myself credit for that.

I also believe that the Universe/God/a higher power has allowed these challenges to come to me because I am ready for them. Because I can handle them. And that, in itself, is enough. I believe in God’s perfect timing. Looking back, I can see how everything has unfolded the way it was meant to. And I trust that the future is unfolding too. So I don’t need to worry too much. I just need to focus on what I can control, cherish the people around me, and trust that everything will be okay. Because it will.

I will keep living. Keep loving. Keep showing up. This is a borrowed life, so I don’t need to take it too seriously. 

So go ahead, Kath.