She was my second mom. Well she did serve as one, even though she was technically my aunt. I actually resembled her more than my biological mom. 😁When I was young, she used to live in our house, and she did take care of me.

I have fond memories of her when she lived with us. I remember tagging along with her whenever she sold halo-halo during summer vacations. We would walk up to the corner of our street and assemble our halo-halo counter beside a sari-sari store. People would always ask -- is that your child? And she would always laugh and say no, she's my niece.

Remember that stage of your early childhood when you still cannot wash your bums after doing number 2? During that time, it was my aunt who would wash me up for me. 😆I would tell her I would go do number 2, and then I will just shout to her when I'm done. 

She made a living working in a parlor. People always praised her manicure and pedicure services. Whenever she arrived home from her work, she would always have chicharap (from Chowking) for us. I always remember her whenever I eat some, even up to this day. She's very hardworking as well. She wasn't able to pursue higher education, so she made a living through various service-oriented jobs. She was a hardworking woman who took pride in what she did. When we got older and she got to visit us in our home, she would clean around, and before we know it, the bottoms of our pots and pans were already spic and span because she had scrubbed all the dirt away. 

She raised her children with so much love, and I could see how much they loved her in return. She wasn't someone who had an easy life, but she continued to show up for the people she cared about.

Unfortunately, smoking had been a lifelong habit of hers. Even when her health had deteriorated and she was already bedridden, she still struggled to let go of it. I would later learn that she had her last cigarette just hours before she was rushed to the hospital.

I heard of her passing when the plane landed on our destination during a vacation. I felt a mix of feelings of relief and sadness. I felt relieved because she's not suffering from physical ailments anymore. She's free from that bedridden life. The quality of her life had degraded so much in recent years. We all knew it was just a matter of time. 😔I felt sad because even though we already knew what was coming, hearing and learning it happen gave a feeling of finality. At that moment, I couldn't grieve properly, because my headspace was in vacation mode. However, I still wanted to do something to honor her passing on that day itself. That was my drive to visit a church on that same day.

Honestly, the emotions did not come during that church visit. It was until days after, during a Sunday mass, that the feelings of grief finally caught up with me. I just let the tears flow. I realized she was the aunt I was closest to, and now she's gone.

I have experienced different types of grief throughout the recent years:

a relative whom I didn't really know, but apparently played a significant role in our family's story,

an uncle who I was emotionally close to, and who I knew was also close to my dad, and

parents of my childhood friends.

These experiences have made me appreciate life even more.

With my aunt now, even after seeing her in the casket and seeing those facial features that I know so well, I would always remember the version of her, still young, healthy, and jolly. I knew that the body I was seeing was no longer the person I remembered and loved. Her physical presence was gone, but that didn't make me feel she was entirely gone. Her memories and everything she had left with us remained. I believe that her life energy, and her soul, had just been transferred somewhere else. To where? I don't really know. 

When I prayed for her during that Sunday mass, I prayed to God that if heaven is indeed real, I hope my aunt is there. I prayed that she is at peace now. I imagined her reuniting with my uncle and exchanging stories of the lives they have lived here on Earth.

~o~

Lately, I have been resonating with the concept that this reality we are seeing is just one dimension that our physical bodies can perceive. I still don't understand much of it, but I do resonate with that belief. I believe in reincarnation, and that we are living to fulfill a purpose in this world, and those beliefs align with that concept. I guess that is why it connected so much with me. I am also exploring the concept of soul contracts, because of another circumstance.

~o~

This is another subject of my prayers lately. Something that our family has long hoped for has finally come within reach, and naturally, everyone was excited. However, certain uncertainties have made it difficult to know how things will unfold. For me, I sometimes wonder whether the soul is still finalizing its contract, perhaps negotiating its terms before entering this realm. 😅 It's an interesting way of looking at the uncertainty, although I know that there are things beyond our understanding.

Of course, I continue to pray for a positive outcome. I hold on to the hope that things will unfold as they are meant to, whatever that may look like. 🙂