That Black Dog in My Life [❁]

July 23, 2016

It all happened last night.

It might be because of the alcohol, but I ended up sharing more than what I wanted, and I feel so vulnerable now for doing that.

It started with the yes-no questions. I really wanted to answer them all as honestly as I can, but because what I truly feel confuses even myself, I ended up confusing them more. I felt I was being unfair to them because I really haven't opened up, when I have been with them almost everyday for the past 3 years.

But because they were all smart people, they knew something was on, and so the questions continued. It caught me off guard, and because my defenses are down at that moment (thanks to the cocktails!), I finally gave in. I first sent out subtle clues (which I thought would make them understand, cause I didn't wanna talk about it), but the opposite happened. You know what I did? I cried. I broke down. It was too late before I realized how I was reacting at that moment.

I've been having this inner battle for more than a decade now, for more than half of my life. The first few years were mild attacks, and I thought it was just a normal cycle in everyday life. However recently, it has been bad...bad enough that it affected my everyday routine. Now that I think about it, I realized it really progressed when I moved to a room on my own because for the first time in my life, I was alone with my thoughts every night when fell asleep. I was well aware that listening to my thoughts is not good, but before I knew it, I was already out of control.

I'm depressed. I have come to realize that over the years. The feeling of random sadness came in "waves", but for the past few months, I think I have experienced a tsunami.

My peers were very smart. They asked the right questions. "How long have you've been feeling like this?" I told them it's been years. I really don't know anymore the root cause and that's what makes it all so difficult to share, because I am even clueless myself. I don't know the cause, but I am very well aware on how this is affecting me. It's kinda ironic because the image that other people have of me is that I am this very kind and patient and positive person. No one knew about the rage of storm that's happening inside me... until now.

I guess I was in denial for most of the years, that this is just a normal phase of sadness. I didn't want to confront it. I thought that if I ignore it, it will just fade away. If I made myself to believe that it's not true, and to act like there's nothing wrong, then it will just go away. However, I think it doesn't work that way, and tonight I had to concede and wave my white flag in this battle.

I still had a lot to say about that topic to my peers last night, but I had to slam the brakes already. You know what, I'm really thankful to have been with these people. I truly appreciated the way they talked to me. They very well knew what I was going through. I didn't hear the "it's alright, everything will be okay" bullsh*t lines. I was given practical advice, and I am going to follow that, if not this weekend, this coming Monday. I'm ready to seek professional help.

Now I understand why they say it is essential to have other people to talk to. it helps you to just let it out.

Thank you.

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