I am noticing for the past few days that I'm having this slightly sinking feeling in my chest because I am missing some of the good things that I've shared with my ex. I am now acknowledging that feeling. I am just human, and this is a major life experience because this is the first time that I have experienced something like this. It was an intense feeling because being in love and being involved with someone is something that I didn't expect for myself this year. It's something that came out of nowhere, which I welcomed because, in foresight, I was curious about how I am as a girlfriend and how I welcome someone in an intimate way into my life. It was a roller coaster kind of ride. I felt happy while it lasted. The aftermath of that relationship was another huge process for me. It led me to learn a lot about myself because even though I have existed for more than thirty years, I never thought that I would see myself in those kinds of situations. It was a very transformative experience with both positive and negative effects. 

The positives are, of course, the obvious ones. I was happy; I felt taken care of. I felt the highs of being in love and being in a caring relationship. The negatives became more apparent after the relationship because I learned that when you're in a relationship, you only see the positives. Now that I am out of that relationship, I see crystal clear all the red flags that I was ignoring for the longest time. It's been a few months after the breakup, and I'm still processing a lot of things. I'm over the worst, thankfully, but I'm still doing therapy for myself because I recognize that it is the best thing for me at the moment. I am not yet 100% okay, and I realize that it's okay to feel like this. I don't know if I will ever be 100% okay, and again, that's still okay. 

One thing that I learned about myself is that I tend to pressure myself to be better, which adds to the stress. I was pressuring myself, thinking I should be okay now. It was just a few months of a relationship, and I realized that it was not the kind of relationship I want to be in for the long term. So, I am really thankful that it has been removed from my life. However, now that I have processed, well, I'm still processing a lot of things. I recognize that I still yearn for the good times. They say being in a relationship and being in love is like being high on drugs, and getting out of it is like experiencing withdrawal. Now, I am in this stage where I miss the highs. But I recognize that I cannot go back to that relationship because it is not healthy for me. 

I am still having this sinking feeling in my stomach. I recognize that there are some things I am still doing that are unhealthy and delaying my healing progress. I acknowledge that I am struggling in that area. I am doing my best to turn that around. I am also returning to the things that I once loved to do, like going to concerts, attending events, and meeting new people. Although I still feel this hollow sensation in my gut, I acknowledge that I still feel sad. I acknowledge that I still miss the person. I just sit with these feelings and recognize that I don't have to act on them. It's like meditation; you just sit with your feelings, observe them, and let them pass. For sure, these emotions that I am carrying will also pass. I have to be compassionate with myself. This is something that my therapist has been telling me. 

I am vocalizing these feelings because this has really helped me during the first few weeks. Journaling has helped me express all my emotions in an unfiltered way. I know I will be okay. I don't know when, but I know that I will. I have to be my own best friend. I will and I am. I am cultivating my own happiness, investing in people who invest in me, and, best of all, spending time with myself and doing a lot of self-reflection. This is the kind of life experience that I was yearning for, and it was given to me. I am coming out of this experience as a wiser and more discerning person. This is a gift as well as a curse, and it's up to me how I will look at it. For sure, there were a lot of lessons—many lessons—that I am still digesting. It's hard, and I recognize that, but again, these things will pass. Things will get better. Things are getting better. I will always remind myself of that. 🌸

~o~

Photo taken at Sulok Coffee | Instagram

3/F, Salcedo One Center, 170 Salcedo, Makati City, Metro Manila, Philippines