Recently, I got the chance to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary with them. This year was extra special because I was delightfully surprised when they requested that we eat out for a change, and they had a specific restaurant in mind. 😯 It was an unexpected suggestion from them because they don't do that, they just don't do that. They are more of the "ang mahal mahal kumain sa labas, kayang kaya naman naming lutuin yan" kind of parents. 😂Well I guess for that restaurant, they knew it's out of their cuisine expertise. 🤣

It was a pivotal moment for me, because for the longest time, I found it challenging for me to get my parents to dine out with me willingly. What usually happened before was that I would take them to a good restaurant because I wanted to treat them to a great meal. But then as soon as they saw the menu and the price, their appetite always seemed to disappear, even though they very well knew that I would be the one to pay anyway. I guess all these years I was just bringing them to the wrong restaurant. 😅 I'm so glad that now, we have discovered a restaurant that they truly both liked and are willing to travel extra to go and dine in there. 

It has always been a joy for me to give back to them. I guess that's why my top giving love languages are "acts of service" and "gifts". I have witnessed how much they have sacrificed for all my siblings for us to finish our studies, and at their age right now, I want them to live as comfortably as possible. And of course, one way to enjoy life is to enjoy great food! Whenever I go out, I see to it that I have food to give to them when I return home. Hehe now I feel like the parent that should always have a "pasalubong" for the parentals. 😄Whenever I get to eat something that is delicious, I always think, "oh how I wish I could let them try this, too." I mostly think like this whenever I try food while travelling. One fact of life that I had to accept is that I won't be able to take my parents to go abroad for leisure due to a lot of factors. So, that visit to the restaurant was a message from the Universe telling me that hey, it's not the only way to give them that experience. That's why that day felt extra special. 💕

 After dining in, I got to treat them for dessert as well. We spent some time in the open playground part of the mall and just took in the scenery before us. My mom told me (repeatedly actually) that she wants to go back here with the whole family and she wants her grandchildren to play in the playground. That's the kind of grandmother she is. That's what my mom was telling me, while the dad was busy taking selfies with the greeneries behind us. Again, I felt like the parent taking care of the inner children of my own parents that day. 😂I took lots of pictures of them (some selfies with me of course) that I sent to our family group chat, to the delight of my siblings. 

As the lone child overstaying in her parents' nest (😂), I'm now the child to have been spending the longest time with them under the same roof. I spend time with them everyday, but when I see old photos of them a year or 5 years ago that pop up on my phone, I realize how much more wrinkled they have become. It's a blessing for me to share moments with them, even sharing our own vulnerabilities with each other. Now that they are already in their sunset years, I want them to live it as comfortably as possible. 

Moments like these are becoming more and more precious, especially during this stage of their lives. Anticipatory grief is real, and I'm relieved that I'm not weird or morbid to think about these things. I mean if you look at the logistics of life, it would already be a huge blessing, even a miracle, if I get to spend five more years with them. Each day is precious, so I treat spending celebrations with them with the highest regard. 

I have friends who have experienced the loss of one or both. I have a friend who shared with me that she grieved for her mother for more or less a year. Another anecdote was from a friend who I got to share a car ride with, and he shared that he always listens to that specific radio station while driving (the one that plays classical music) because that was his routine with his mother. Later on, I would discover that his mother had already passed on, so I guess that was his way of keeping his mother's memory in his heart. 

I don't know how I will cope, and thinking about the inevitable just drove me to spiral down and cry in my sleep (especially during the pandemic oh you have no idea) and I had to work on reframing the mindset of trying to control something that is very much out of my control. To prevent myself from spiraling deeper, I pull myself back to the present where I still have them and I do things for them while I'm still capable of. 

Seeing them age is a quiet grief I carry every day. My dad used to do yoga, and he used to always perform his head stand to scare me as a child (HAHAHA). Now, I hear him complain wrist pain just by chopping down vegetables. My sister and I made our mom walk the whole beach stretch in Boracay several years back. Now, I have to be very patient as we walk slowly inside the mall or whenever she asks to sit down for a while to rest. The years are really rapidly passing by. 

Through those years that I got to spend with them, I saw the cracks in the parental image that I used to have of them. Hey, they're humans also, apparently. They make mistakes. Sometimes they're right. Sometimes I'm right. It has come to a point that they share their problems with me, and they are unfiltered now. Most of the time, I shield them from my secrets, not because I was lying, but because I didn't want to worry them. Ahhh, so life really has come to this, huh. How the roles have reversed.

As an adult myself now, I recognize and honor the sacrifices that my parents have made, not just for me, but for all my siblings as well. As much as I want them to be here for many many years more, I know it's not possible. One of my deepest prayers is for them to witness me achieve life milestones myself. I pray that they will see me and feel with confidence that I have settled down with a husband that will take care of their youngest child. That's one of the gifts that I want to give to them, the gift of peace of mind.

There was a phase in my life that I didn't want to be a mother, a parent myself. Because of past traumas, I wasn't open to the idea of creating my own family. Well, time can change a person. I have changed, and now I think otherwise. I know I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like achieving this milestone is still on the horizon. When (not if) I become a mother, I pray that I (together with my husband) will get to witness life milestones for my children as well. I guess that's one downside of being a late bloomer. I wish to witness my own child's wedding as well (HAHAHA I'm so looking too much into future... but honestly that's one of my quiet yearnings in life, but first of all I am commanding my energy to attract that husband that I am building a family and spending the rest of my life with).

As much as my deepest prayers involve these two precious people in my life, I recognize the need to invest in myself as an individual person, independent of them. It's always about the balance. I'm always in the pursuit of things that make my soul happy, and I'm grateful that both of them are supportive of the life adventures that I accepted throughout the years.

Being a caretaker to aging parents is not an easy task, but I see this as a privilege for being able to give back. I actually thank the Universe for giving me the means to provide them a worry-free lifestyle. I will continue to show up for them whenever I can. I will support their little guilty pleasures in life (of course in moderation). I will continue celebrating milestones with them, as they come. It would always be my honor to give honor back to my parents. ✨