Endings and Anxiety Issues [❁]

August 17, 2014

This weekend was one hell of an emotional ride. I was just at home, and the feeling of isolation just creeped into me and I realized I have to do something about it.

They say you would regret more the things that you didn't do than the things you did. I have been forever haunted by the things in the past that I have left behind unacommplished, by the words that were left unsaid. I was unable to respond to him when he confessed, even if I was feeling the same way for years (Hey this has happened thrice in my lifetime so far! I just realized this now. Omg.). I didn't claim the letter that contained my application status in an org, which left me emotionally tortured for the rest of my college years. I didn't give them the chance to show their "good side", because I only let their evil side sink to me believing it's their true colors. I was not able to tell my best friend my honest feelings because all I wanted was the best for all of us.

Whew. I think I've opened cans of worms in there huh. To get straight to the point, I have repeatedly denied myself of that happiness that I deserve, because I was afraid and because I thought it's the best thing to do for that situation. The latest entry on this list happened last week and it has something to do with my obsession with a group named JYJ.

I have expressed before how much I wanted to see them perform live. It seems like the universe challenged how much I wanted this to happen. I have a friend who went to their concert in Hongkong. JYJ is currently having their Asian tour, and this is their last stage before they enter the military. This means that this is the last chance for their fans to see them. It would take at least another 3 years to see them perform again, if they still would.

If I just said yes, I would have come with my friend to HK to see them. Honestly, I had the resources to do so but I know better that I shouldn't because I had responsibilities. I have more important things to do than go overseas and satisfy my fangirling needs. I have attempted to follow my "hormones" the first time the opportunity opened up, but I failed. I knew better now. The concert was over and I can feel how my friend enjoyed her experience. To quote her, it was the craziest decision, but the best she has done. She has fulfilled her bucketlist, and I am proud of her because she was able to achieve that. I perfectly know the happiness that she's feeling at the moment because I know that I would feel the same too. Though in my case, that's the exact happiness that I have denied from myself again. I have tried to end all of this craziness years ago, but I guess until I have accomplished what I really want to do, that's when I would finally be able to let go.

I hope my plans for next year would push through. Then finally, maybe finally, I would be able to let go and move on.

I think I would cry in case I hear JYJ sing this live. *sigh* I really hope there's still a chance for me to see them live. :(

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