Life Logs: Changes, Goodbyes, Thoughts, Etc.

September 28, 2018

I've been drafting this post for weeks, but couldn't seem to find the perfect timing to really sit down and get this over with, well until now. It's a Friday night, and I'm here at home typing away at my room. It's strange how this setup feels perfect for me, when before being alone for the weekend made me feel miserable (I should be attending a girls night out or something). Anyways I think it just shows that I'm becoming an old soul and the comforts of my bed is the best place to be as prep for the weekend.

It might be perfect timing for me to write this down at this moment. Writing this a few days ago would result to havoc because I was feeling the lowest (again) and I might just rant and tell depressing stuff in here. Just one serious question though -- does drinking alone make you an alcoholic? Hmm let's just say I've been enjoying a glass (or two? 😅) of red wine on weekday nights when I couldn't sleep. I enjoy the peacefulness of the night and just savor the melancholic atmosphere of it. Then I go on reddit and check out all the mind-blogging posts on AskReddit or Showerthoughts. 

There are so many things that happened that I want to mention here. I'll just jot them randomly:

  • Really, be careful what you wish for. I've been preparing myself for something, and yup it finally happened. Although I can say I have been successful in preparing myself, I more hoped it didn't have to happen in the first place.
  • The more time that passes by, the more I realize I'm finding it difficult to forgive. But then again, there's nothing to forgive actually. I just didn't want any of it anymore. I'll have more peace of mind this way. I've been enjoying my own company and with that, it's been enough.
  • My vision is getting blurrier and it scares me. I've been wearing glasses for months now, and I noticed I've becoming more dependent to it than ever. At first I meant to use it during work hours when I'm in front of the PC, but recently I've been wearing it even outside the office, there are signs that I found difficult to read, even those just beyond arm's length. 😓 I'm just going to put it here --- for those who know me in real life, if you get to read this, can you offer me a hug? Just mention bear hug, and I'll know it. I can do with one, to make me feel better.
  • I mentioned before how I was so into the Black Mirror series. Remember the Playtest episode? It was one of the episodes that really disturbed me. I just remembered it because for the past weeks I had difficulty sleeping, and to resolve that I would open my podcast app and play an episode as I fall asleep. Hearing people talking comforts me at night, making me feel like I have company. I know this is just an illusion, and it creepily reminded me of the lines that Katie was telling Cooper over the phone on the start of the game when they were in the mansion.
  • I had a haircut in a whim, and it was my first time to do it. I don't know, I was feeling down on my way home from work and during my travel I thought of cutting my hair short. It was kind of exhilarating to do it actually.
  • I'm managing work load way better now, thanks to some trainings I took at Lynda. You know, it really helps when you are busy -- your mind is moved away from thinking too much, and you actually accomplish something, which makes you feel even better!
  • I'm happy to discover that I still had that childlike wonder on playing the piano. Just last week, I jolted with excitement when I saw an old piano in an events place where we were spending the afternoon. I couldn't help myself. As soon as I unloaded my bag, I approached this beautiful instrument and just clumsily pounded random keys. I was hesitant to do some playing (cause I knew some folks who were there who play very well and I didn't want to be judged) but of still I couldn't hold back so I played some pieces that I knew by heart. Good thing the place was a bit noisy because of all the socializing that was happening here and there. Someone approached me and he said he was surprised that I knew how to play, of which I panicked because uh I can't really play that well and he might have had some high expectations. But all in all it was a really fantastic experience. I got to hear other folks play their stuff (and of course they were so amazing I felt intimidated approaching the instrument again afterwards). This experience made me more motivated to practice regularly moving forward so I can confidently play something outside the comforts of my room. 😅
  • Related to that socials event, I got to meet our original boss back in the day. Up to this day I am so amazed on how down-to-earth and cool this person is, and also I am very lucky to have someone like him of which I look up as a mentor. Our team has learned a lot from him, and are still learning, so it's such a huge thing that he's still here in the organization and we could actually depend on him for guidance and stuff. He now holds a very influential position in the company and we are all proud of him for reaching that milestone in his career.
  • It's been some time since I heard a song that stopped me off my tracks, and yes this song below did it for me. It randomly played over Spotify, and wow I had goosebumps hearing Lana Del Rey sing this classic Broadway piece. I have always liked her voice, but now I'm in love.
  • I've been focusing on the well-being of my parents (hey they're not getting younger anymore!). Although it feels fulfilling that they get to depend on me, there were some scenarios that happened that made me realize that they can do things on their own, that they're independent and don't really need much of my help... which just leaves me feeling a bit worthless. Anyway I really don't know, it might just be hormones but my emotions are just all over the place for the past weeks (or months).
  • I had to say goodbye to a lot of people -- some migrating to other countries, some leaving to another team. 💔
  • I got really sad (been crying) when I learned that Spudgy passed away. I never got to meet him in real life, but I always loved that dog. Spudgy is Simon's and Martina's dog. They are a couple on Youtube that I religiously follow since I can't remember when anymore. I super love this couple (even went to their cafe when I was in Korea) and so learning that they had to put down Spudgy affected me very much. I'll miss him for sure.
viva la spudgy. (📷: eatyourkimchi)

Writing these all out made me feel a bit better, but I guess I'll grab some wine before midnight. Happy weekend all!

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