The Big 3-0

January 05, 2020

"It's an end of a decade, but the start of a new age." Taylor Swift, I'm borrowing that one from you.

Oh hello, here we are on this milestone. I've reached it. It's odd because I don't feel like I'm 30 (well how am I supposed to feel, really?). I have grown older, but I guess my mindset in life is still the same. It's kind of uncomfortable now that I'm in this age and I'm in my situation. Real talk: most women this age already has a family of her own. Well here I am, still not even getting one foot onto the door of the dating world. During the latter half of my 20s, I felt a bit down about this aspect of my life. But slowly, I learned that this is something that is out of my control. What will happen will happen. Bahala na. At this point, I just need to focus on things that will make me happy. I just have to make the most out of the set of the cards that life has dealt to me.

During the last hour of my 20s, I reflected everything that had happened in the last 10 years of my life. Sure, I never thought I would be able to travel to places I only dreamed about (Seoul! Tokyo!). I never thought that that job interview, where I just dragged myself into attending to avoid being  blacklisted, would be my second home for most of my 20s. I never thought I would be travelling alone to another country. I never thought I would be getting a tattoo. There are a number of things that I never dreamed of doing, but I did. That just shows that I have to trust myself and the Universe. I just have to allow life to surprise me in different ways.

This is also the decade where some repressed childhood trauma came pulsing back. I was so confused at first, why these events that happened so long ago were still affecting me until now. Reading online resources, talking to a professional, and listening to podcasts (especially this one) made me aware of what was happening to me. I learned (in a painstakingly slow process) that what I was experiencing (and still experiencing, as sometimes the flashbacks are as fresh as if it all happened yesterday) is normal and not something that I should be ashamed of. I am not a victim. Upon listening to that Eve's Drop podcast episode, my respect to ex-radio DJ Delamar just became more apparent. I could relate to her experiences, and the defense mechanism that she has built for herself for the years that followed mirrored mine. Until now, I am still in progress of fixing that mindset. I can't change a long-time habit overnight. This is still a developing story. 

Getting that tattoo was my way towards self-care that I so need to give myself moving forward. For the longest time, I am myself's worst enemy. This tattoo will be my life-long reminder that I am able to do great things on my own for myself. I can enjoy life in solitude, if things come to that. During times that I will feel down, I will remind myself that music will be my anchor. This art has been my lifeline during times when I was down. Most of the time it worked -- it did lift my spirits up. As long as I live, I will turn to music to heal my soul. ♪

Age is just a number, and this is a stage in my life wherein I feel the magnitude of truth this statement holds. Happy 30th self. 🎉

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