I'm telling myself that if I did, I won't find the version of you that I have known and loved. I will see the version of you with all the barriers up, and that will just hurt me more. 💔

~o~

I'm still feeling restless. I'm just so grateful that today is a holiday so I really have the time for myself to reflect and process all of these emotions. I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do with this energy. It feels like something is stuck in my chest. And then I remembered this quotation: 

This is what I'm experiencing right now. All the love, attention, and affection that I'm so used to pouring out to that person are now, all of a sudden, stagnant inside me. My mind and body are now just so confused by this sudden shift of energy. 😔

But first and foremost, I am so grateful for myself. Thank you, self, for continuing to push through. I'm still able to do basic things for myself. I get to eat, even though I have zero appetite. I get to rest, even though I cannot sleep well. The first thing I did today was to arrange my room, replace my bedsheets, and take a bath. It feels comforting that I could still take care of myself during this time. What my idea of a broken-hearted girl, based on what I have seen in dramas and movies (😅), is that of a girl not leaving her room, all used tissues in disarray on her bed. She is just sleeping all day, eating junk food, sweets, and other unhealthy stuff. Well, some people might really have a process like that when dealing with a breakup. People do have different coping mechanisms anyway. Maybe also, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. 

The first evening after we parted ways was the hardest. I have already built habits around him during this time of the day, and not having that for the first time was something indescribable. Before, when I didn't have any idea of the dynamics of romantic relationships, it always puzzled me why people choose not to connect with the person that was once the most important part of their life. Like whyyyy? And now, I know why. It's because of the pain. Would you dare to place your hand on a hot pan again after accidentally touching it and feeling your fingers sting due to the burn? You won't, right? You won't.

~o~

I learned the importance of hydration during this time. It's unnerving how I don't realize that I need to drink water already because I was distracted with the crying sessions. But once I get a sip of water, I realize how thirsty I actually was already. And so I always have my yellow tumbler with me. It's heartbreaking to remember that this tumbler also holds some memories to me that are sad now. I feel like all the glowing golden globes of happy memories that I have created from that relationship are now being touched by Sadness, and they are all turning into blue.

I acknowledge that what I am going through right now is a universal human experience. A lot of people, unfortunately, have experienced this kind of pain, each unique in its own. But I also acknowledge that some of the most beautiful creations of art like music, painting, poems, books, emerged from a person's pain. They have converted the energy that was stuck in them, into something beautiful. I hope to do something similar to that. Maybe this journaling process is the product itself already. 

~o~

One of the most difficult things that I realize now is that I don't have the person anymore that listens to my rants and every random thing that I want to talk about. I have my other people I talk to of course, but there are things that I cannot tell even the closest of my friends. With him, I always knew that I could go to him and tell him everything without the fear of being judged. But now, it's gone. My safe space is gone.

~o~

I got to have a call with one of my closest friends that first night. She was really heaven-sent, because I got myself occupied during the first night of his absence. Recounting the events was still painful. Memories of that night were becoming hazy, all I remember was the feelings that I felt during that time.

With all the words of wisdom that my friend has imparted on me, one specific hit me in a different way. My friend said, "He had to choose himself. If he chose me, he would sooner or later run out of energy, trying to catch up with all the responsibilities that he has, and the pressure of establishing himself in society. It wouldn't be good for our relationship". 

~o~

I'm realizing now that one of the reasons why all of this happened to me is for me to return back to my faith. I always recognized that even before, that he had that impact on me. And now, one of the lessons I am learning is to always pray and let God take the wheel. I am experiencing emotional pain and chest pain because I am carrying the burden. But if I let go of this and allow God to do His will, I would feel lighter. 

I want to apply this in all aspects of my life. There are things that are making me anxious currently (aside from this heartache) and I realized that the more that I think about it, the more that it will just drive me crazy. Regardless of how hard I go back and forth thinking about it, what will happen will be beyond my control. So now, I'm learning to just surrender. I just pray that I will be protected and be guided.

~o~

As I continue processing all these thoughts and feelings, one by one I am seeing the flaws of the relationship. I see parts where I am at fault, and I see his, too. I guess really if you are in the middle of a relationship, you don't see clearly. I am also learning that I shouldn't be hard on myself. This was my first relationship and I got to discover versions of myself that I have never known were inside me. As I slowly cut off the entanglements, I am seeing myself clearer now, realizing my mistakes and all the lessons learned from the experience. I guess this is the process of what character development looks like.

The waves continue to come and go. I allow myself to feel each one of them, but I am also learning not to ruminate that much, else I will spiral down. And so I redirect my energy. I picked up my (long overdue) to-do list and the calendar and planned my day. I discovered that when I do this, I feel more grounded and in control. I paid my bills, completed some Toastmasters tasks, did some laundry, and even exercised on the treadmill. I was playing Taylor Swift's "The Tortured Poets Department" album while exercising. I got triggered by most of the songs so I was actually crying while doing the workout. 😅

This song was my anthem during that time, and it really echoed back my feelings during that exact moment.

~o~

I also had some pockets of peaceful silence during this day, like things were coming back like how it was before. I always enjoyed quiet weekend afternoons at home, with me just doing my thing. I realized it's been a while since I've had that kind of peaceful solitude. I'm grateful to have been able to remember glimpses of it again today. I guess in the future, I need to learn how to balance having time for myself and spending time with my partner so that I would still feel grounded. Again, this is another lesson learned.

~o~

A lot of emotional unpacking really happened today. I feel like I am making progress. I'm slowly beginning to collect myself. I know this is just day two. I still don't know how I will cope in the next few days, but hey, it's one day at a time. 

Also, one step at a time. It's amazing how I always circle back to this mantra of mine, of the very theme of this blog. I guess somehow, I always had the answer within me. I just have to learn how to discover it again myself. ✨