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12:42AM, Wednesday
It's been almost an hour since I arrived home. I didn't feel like myself, because who would? In a span of hours, my mind and energy has shifted. It really felt surreal having "that talk" because I already imagined that several times in my head during those times that I was overthinking. It felt like I was in a dream, a nightmare to be exact, when I heard those words from him. I was hyper focused because I wanted to catch each and every word that he uttered, but actually even though I was recognizing the words, I couldn't comprehend most of it. I just felt my body chemistry changing and I couldn't think clearly anymore. We talked, compromised and parted ways.
The moment I got home, I was feeling drained. I wanted to collect my thoughts so I got my phone to create voice notes (which I'm actually using as a reference to write this). I couldn't really gather my thoughts, and I didn't know how to express myself. One movie came to mind, that one entitled (500) Days of Summer. I even wrote a review about it a few years back. I always liked this movie because of its unique representation of the dynamics of a relationship. The pain that I got from this movie really placed a mark in me. And that pain came rushing back to me because somehow it has some parallel themes on what I am going through right now. One of the most hurtful things for me right now with regards to my situation is that no one really was at fault. Each side had a valid point of view, and going into this relationship, I always knew this. But we still gave it a try. Although I am feeling pain right now, I'm still glad I did take the risk.
I was introduced to a different kind of world, a world wherein I was not walking alone. I learned things from how he saw the world. I became more courageous and outgoing. I was able to experience new things, visited new places, and went to lots of food escapades. I really enjoyed each of them because it was all new and I was with a person that I liked. I believe this was a push that I needed especially after the pandemic. My comfort zone was staying within my city. Even going to the office felt stressful for me. But through these adventures that he pulled me into, I got used to commuting again. I got to ride the public trains again. I got to drive to new places. I have lots of happy memories scattered around Metro Manila (and a few beyond), and now I was looking back at all of them with pain in my chest and tears in my eyes.😢
As I was trying to process these overwhelming emotions, I just couldn't help but go back to the feeling of gratitude that I always had since getting together with him. I truly believe that he was an answered prayer, and I was happy. Even up to the last moment, I was still in awe like it was still not sinking in that I found someone like him, someone that loved and cared for me. However, now, I'm dealing with the loss of it, and this agony is so unimaginably heavy.
At this point during my voice notes recording, wherein I was continuously ugly crying, I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. As I saw the remnants of the last meal that I had with him, I cried again. The feeling was just so crazy and painful. 😔 I was beginning to notice that the feelings of sadness and pain comes and goes like waves. One moment I was feeling okay, and then when a thought or memory comes back, I suddenly start crying again. That's what has been happening. I feel like this is grief. I am grieving the relationship that I had.
I want to set guidelines for myself. I don't want to linger with past emotions. I don't want to be that kind of person that would look back on messages. Also I don't want to scroll that much on social media, especially on Instagram reels, because I have experienced them having a negative effect on my mental state. Since I also have built out habits around him, I would have to start replacing them with new ones. I know for sure, overthinking will come. Sadly this time around, no one will be there to give me assurance. I have to get it from myself. What he will do from this point forward will be out of my control. I'll need to focus on myself.
03:33 AM, Wednesday
I woke up from a short-one-hour sleep, and I cried again as soon as the memories loaded. Now I was in the stage wherein I was questioning things. Which of them were true and sincere? Which of them were not? The last thing I wanted was to taint those happy memories that I have created with this person. I don't want to muddle them with these heightened emotions. Because of these confused thoughts, I just started getting tearful again.
The physical manifestations came rushing in again. The pain in my chest. The adrenaline rush. I remembered when I was single, there was this recurring thought wherein I haven't really had the full range of human emotions because I haven't felt the highest of highs of happiness and the lowest of lows of misery. Since then, I have already felt the happiness of being in love. And now, the Universe is giving me the other extreme side of the spectrum.
When I was in love, I had an added layer of understanding about life, like oh so this is what all the love songs were about. Listening to Taylor Swift songs hit differently actually. And now, oh wow, this time, I would be consuming the sad TS songs in a whole different way now. 😔
I started to disconnect from the things that connected us, may it be of physical things or virtual things. It would help in coping and in moving on.
06:50AM, Wednesday
I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends. It was a 2h25m call. I messaged her on Instagram at around 4:00AM telling her I won't make it on our scheduled trips. To my surprise, she was online. She offered to call even though she was catching up with some work 🥺 and so there, I poured out my emotions with her. And boy, I believe God sent her to me precisely during this time because I heard from her the opinion and advice that I needed to hear without any sugarcoating. I realized things that I was repeatedly ignoring and her insight gave me more perspective.
08:00AM - 12:00PM, Wednesday
I wasn't able to make some decent sleep, but surprisingly my mind and body are still alert. Maybe this is because I am currently running on a fight-or-flight mode. Just on the onset, I had to stop myself from doing things out of habit. I cried while having breakfast. I felt like I didn't have any appetite and I was afraid I would throw up again. I slowly arranged my things in my room, and in the afternoon, I started writing this blog entry.
And just like that, I have survived the first 12 hours.
As I continue to process these emotions, I kind of realized that maybe this was a blessing from the Universe also. It takes courage for one to have these difficult conversations. We finally head-on acknowledged the elephant in the room, which we always recognized was in the room with us. It was only until that talk that we talked and took a closer look on what plan (or the lack of plan) we had to address it.
Universe/God/Creator, I'm so grateful for my mom. I broke down crying the moment I got home. I'm thankful to have that moment with her. Also, thank you for the opportunity that I got to say the things that I wanted to say for the longest time to my sister.
I want to promise myself that I will love myself more, and put myself first. And I will pray and be closer to God. I will also surround myself with the people that care for me.
This too shall pass. 🙏 ✨
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