I woke up today feeling some heaviness in my chest and a different level of sadness. It feels like I was back on day one, but actually this is much worse because for this one, it didn't involve just me... it involved people that I trusted with my life, and people that I wanted to protect, but couldn't. 😔

It really felt like a living nightmare, all my worst fears coming into a reality. The first news involved someone I really cared about, someone that I wanted to protect the most. It hurts because she never deserved this. She's one of the most hardworking people I have met. As I was processing things, the same question haunted me over and over. "Why her?". I was just at a loss for words.

I'm so humbled that she trusted to share the news with me, and together with another friend, we cried our eyes out over a phone call. It's an added bitter reality that we were not together physically, especially during this time. I wanted to comfort both of them by giving them huge bear hugs. But the least I could do was listen and support them emotionally.

I thought the rain was starting to calm down, but no. It's transforming into a storm. The second news hit me like a brick. I am losing another person who has become a huge part of who I am today. My life mentor. My coach. My friend. She knew secrets that no other soul in this world knew. And I couldn't believe it. All those years of hard work, thrown away in just one call. 😔

Even though I already knew what was coming, it still felt painful seeing them unfold before my eyes. Yes I know, there's a connotation about calling these people as "family" but believe it or not, it really felt like they are family members. Some of them I've been with for more than a decade. We've seen each other reach life milestones. We've been through the ups and downs of life. It's cliche, but it's true. Most of them know me better in a way that my parents will never do.

Hearing the message from authoritative figures that the "purging" is over for our group, I burst into tears out of relief. All the stress and worry for weeks, I released at that moment. I owe this one to you, Lord. From that moment on, I knew I needed to do things differently. I will work hard not for anyone, but for myself.

During these times, I realized that I was surrounded by the right people. I mean, these are dark times but I could just feel the warmness and brightness of their souls. They were even worried about us being left behind, to think that they should worry about themselves first. 😢If this is God's Will, then so be it. I have faith that this is a redirection for them for something better. God has greater plans for them.

 ~o~

The stormy rain poured hard, especially today. Love, career, and friendship. These areas of my life are currently restless. I'm grateful that the family part is at peace. Both my parents have been my source of comfort. I would hug my mom whenever I could, and then I would chitchat with them at the dining table even if I wasn't eating. During these times I realized that my mom is the denser one in terms of showing empathy and emotions. And surprisingly, it was my dad who was more understanding of my situation overall. This is an interesting discovery that I unfolded recently.

It feels so tiring. I have been crying and breaking down for the past weeks for different reasons. I'm worried that this prolonged stress will take its toll on me physically, that's why I'm watching out and monitoring myself, making sure I am processing all of these in a healthy way. I'm now holding onto tools that would make things easier for me. May it be in the form of cats, virtual hugs, meditation, crystals, and prayers (of course!). And of course there's this blog. I realized this was the tool that kept me sane during the pandemic. I would use this also this time around. I would hold onto anything that will give me hope and peace of mind.

In all the evilness happening in the world, I pray that the kindness, the innocence, and the unconditional love that are innately in me are protected. There are a lot of things happening outside of our control. But if it's within my control to reach out, to say sorry, to forgive, I'm learning that I should. Pride will not do anything (believe me, I learned it the hard way for 6 years). And so I let go of my ego and reached out to two people who are important in my life and apologized to them. 

I pray for protection and peace of mind. I am surrendering this all to you, God. This is all up to You now. I am praying this also for my friends, and for my loved ones that I have lost, because I still love them. There will always be a space for them in my heart, regardless of everything that has happened.

Thank you for all the glimmers of hope that I have in the form of my friends who have comforted me. I realized that really, If you have suffered pain, you truly know how to comfort those who are also in pain. So, thank you for those kinds of people. Even when we are apart, we can still talk and connect like this. 

Again, one step at a time, self. It feels like this has become a raging storm, but this too shall pass. If the past several weeks felt like a dark night, now it feels like, despite it being daytime, it is so rainy and stormy. I am looking forward seeing the rainbow after all of these have settled down.