EDITORS NOTE (again ☺️): The sentiments of these posts do not necessarily reflect the author's feelings as of the date. This is being written with a retrospective lens. ☺️

I woke up again in the middle of the night. 😔 I was feeling so tired and restless. I was tired, but I couldn't fall asleep. How torturous this feeling was. 

The previous day, I went out for the first time for a Toastmasters meeting. The day started busy because I had to prepare several things for our club. Then the afternoon was spent for the actual club meeting. I was really proud of myself because I was able to compartmentalize my feelings. I was really in the mode as a speech evaluator so I was focused on my tasks during the meeting. I have to say, it was one of the best meetings I've had for this year. Maybe the new venue had an effect. People were really socializing and chatting with each other. I was proud of this new culture that was forming within the club.

What we usually do after the club meeting was to go to an after-party meeting (as if we were not exhausted already🤣). Our group went to a nearby cafe and ate some early dinner. Well, as much as I was exhausted, I wasn't in the mood to eat (my mind and body were really disconnected 😅). It was a blessing that one of our members gave out some goodies (food!!!) so that's what I only ate during our stay at the cafe. Our group talked for a bit, and it's fascinating how during that time, I was able to get to know more some of my club mates. The girls had some heart-to-heart talk (hah my instincts were right about something 😏) and inevitably, the topic landed with my current personal stuff. Since the emotions were still fresh, it's so very easy for me to be moved into tears. Thankfully, I was able to control myself (thank you deep breathing). I hugged the girls goodbye as my Grab car arrived (I got teary-eyed again) and I went home light-headed and exhausted. It was really a long day.

Because I heard some news about him through a friend and also saw some posts on socials, I felt so restless that night. 😅 Even though I was so very tired that night upon arriving home, I chose to go online again and do more Toastmasters tasks. I tried to go to sleep after, but my mind wouldn't cooperate. And that's how I found myself wide awake (and crying) at 2:30AM on a Sunday. 😢

It's really unhealthy to be riding this kind of emotional train. Thankfully, doing the voice notes really helped me manage the mental spiraling. I just poured out all my thoughts and emotions as I talked to myself and processed all that I was feeling. Memories just kept rushing back to me, and with each wave, I feel like I was revising them, attaching all these new emotions with those once happy memories of mine.

~o~

I just got home from grocery shopping with my parents. I wasn't able to sleep continuously last night, even though I was very tired. This morning, before we went out, I found myself tearing up again because another wave of emotion came crashing in. I didn't want to do the driving at first, because I knew that I'm still not emotionally stable. But as I calmed down, I told myself I should not let these feelings cave in and paralyze me from doing things that I like (I like driving my parents around. It's my love language of acts of service for them). 

While at the grocery, bits and pieces of memories still came to me. I knew I looked distracted. I also became extra observant with the people around me. I was in a very pensive mood. As I observed each of the people in there (while they were all minding their own business 😅), it got me thinking: what kind of pain has life thrown to them? What kind of burden are they carrying currently? Is it related to family, work, or a loved one? What took them to still go on with life, like doing their groceries right now? 

Through my heartbreak, I realized how it's such a universal human experience to go through emotional pain. And it's also a universal experience to be stronger and be more resilient with life after. Looking out at those people, I realized that really, life goes on. Whatever ordeals we go through, we will be able to surpass them. We will emerge as stronger versions of ourselves. Also, the constant advice that I got from my friends is to always pray. Because we don't have to suffer alone. Surrender the pain to God, and request for his divine guidance. This is also what I have been doing. Aside from my voice notes, I also talk to God through prayers. And each and every time, I come out of those conversations feeling lighter and more at peace. 🕊️✨

As we were wrapping up with our grocery errands, I came across an ice cream brand that had some memories attached to it. I had repeatedly encountered this ice cream in the past few months, but I always went against buying it because it was too expensive. Well, this time around, I told myself that I deserved it. 🍦And so I went and bought it, happy and fulfilled with my indulgence. 💖

On our way home, I volunteered to drive again because I was feeling okay. Thank Goodness we were able to travel safely. 🙏✨Well, there was a relapse near the end of my driving (thankfully we were already near the subdivision) because of a random love song that played on the radio 😭with lyrics:

When I heard those lines, I lost it. I went silently crying while driving (it's kind of a face-palm moment now that I think about this, but I guess I was just really too emotional at that time). I think my parents didn't notice a thing (which made me even sadder LOL). So this was a lesson for me, and a sign of caution: don't listen to music while driving, for now. One safe option is to just listen to KPOP songs (or other non-English music) or just listen to podcasts (EDIT: my future drives resulted with the latter).

At this point, the physical tiredness was already catching up with me. I thought of this as a good sign because at least I am now already feeling what my body is really feeling and hopefully this means that I will be able to truly take a rest. While my body is processing the grief, the mind is also doing its own healing through writing on this blog. In the past, my way of coping was through repression. But I now know that it's not the healthiest way for me to process emotions. And so with each wave of emotional turmoil that I was feeling right now, I am giving myself permission to really feel them, embrace them, and sit through them. If I needed to cry, I allowed myself to do so, without any guilt or judgement attached.

Also, with the way things played out, I truly believe in God's perfect timing. I'm just thankful that all of these happened during a long weekend because I have this opportunity to be alone and to focus on processing my emotions. It's kind of scary actually. Since I have minimal distractions in this kind of setup, I'm really facing the waves of grief head-on. I'm not shying away from the pain. Like what my friends have told me, things will get better. The pain will not go away totally but I will get better with managing it. I will just learn how to live with the pain.

~o~

I just finished watching the Sunday mass on TV with my parents. This has become a ritual for my parents, which started during the pandemic. Since we couldn't go physically to church back then, they resorted to just attending the mass virtually. That habit stuck until now. I don't really join them during these virtual masses, but today I decided to do it.

Since this was the first Sunday since me and that person parted ways, I wanted to honor one of the most important lessons I learned from that relationship: returning to my faith. Memories did start rushing in again as I sat down and watched the mass with them. I have to admit that attending church mass with him was one of the most therapeutic things I have done, and it was when I was most at peace. It's like everything was perfect in the world. Of course now that I am realizing that those are gone, I'm feeling the waves of grief again. Fortunately, I was sitting on a chair at the back of our living room, so my parents didn't notice that I was silently weeping again. 

The homily was also on point, with the priest discussing the different pains a Christian goes through in order to go through that narrow door that leads to God's heavenly kingdom. The first kind of pain is the pain of remorse, the guilt of having done something sinful. The second is the pain of discipline, the sacrifices we make to follow and be a disciple like Jesus. The priest described this in a relatable way for the congregation. For example, everyone had their troubles or challenges getting to church because it was raining. Some may have had a hard time finding transportation, and others were already standing inside the church. These sacrifices are what the priest referred to as the pain of discipline.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This is my present self narrating. Looking at these notes, especially the last few paragraphs, I realized how my "gut feel" was telling me something... something that I will know several hours from that time. There's a major plot twist coming up, which I will write on day 6 of this journey. I'm thankful to have this opportunity to look back at my own emotions and see them from an outsider's point of view. Again, this is my purpose of writing these all down here in the blog. This is my way of processing my emotions, and just digesting every experience that I am having in life. I find it fascinating that I could vomit out huge walls of text from all the emotions that I have been feeling during that time. 😅I guess this is really a coping mechanism of mine that I'm really getting to utilize very much during these emotionally difficult moments of my life.)