It's indeed scary how one conversation, one call, or one chat message, can suddenly shift your energy, making you reevaluate your priorities in your life. One moment today, I was so preoccupied with my work deadlines, even doing overtime at the office and not realizing there were only two of us employees still in the same floor doing some work (I realized this after taking off my earphones and realizing that apparently everyone on the floor had gone home 😅). I was actually still planning to do some work upon arriving home, but then another moment comes and I realize that I'll have to take an emergency leave to attend to some medical stuff in the family. Suddenly, those imminent work deadlines don't seem so important anymore. 

I have been ruminating these feelings in the past few days, and I already anticipated this event happening, but of course nothing prepares you until it happens. I was sitting with these emotions... of realizing that it's really a different kind of responsibility being the child who is the primary caretaker of both your aging senior parents. Anticipatory grief is always present (some days hit harder). And you know, this is just one fact of life. It's a hard pill to swallow, but my situation is nothing unique. But of course, that doesn't mean that it is easy. Now that I am experiencing this, I feel overwhelmed. 

I'm proud and grateful that I get to give back to my parents. My "giving love languages" to them are acts of service and gifts. I find joy in doing things for them and giving them stuff that I know they will enjoy. It's also a gift that I get to know them, not just as my parents, but also as people, with personalities, dreams, and experiences that are outside of them being my parents. As I grow older, I also got to realize that they are not perfect people. I see their imperfections, and I accept (or tolerate? 🤣) them.

It's a different kind of mental weight to realize that your life pillars are now relying on you, especially now that I am in this stage of relearning to rely on myself. I'm realizing that I need to really take care of myself more, so that I could better take care of the people (and animals 🐶😸) that are depending on me. I have to take care of myself holistically (physically, mentally, emotionally) so that I can be the best version of myself and be there to support the people (and again, animals 🤣) that are important to me.

But you know, as an overthinker, my emotions tend to sway to the extremes. Fortunately, I am learning to manage this. My resilience has been tested and built to be stronger through my experiences in the last few months, and perhaps it was divine timing that it happened. Through that experience, I have learned the tools that are effective for me in regulating my nervous system. One of them is writing on this blog. 😉This is the reason why I'm here again, writing this. I am again emotionally dumping on the blog. 😅 One of the traits that I learned of myself is that in relationships (platonic or romantic), I tend to always be the listener. I enjoy listening and supporting the people that are important to me (as long as I have the social battery for it 🔋). However, on the other hand, I find it difficult to ask for help. This is related to my pattern of putting other people's needs first before mine. I'm working on it, but it still feels challenging for me to be the one that initiates sharing my woes and worries in a conversation. This is why I'm so thankful for my friends who know me well and recognize this tendency of mine. With just one "by the way, how are you" message inserted in our conversation opens the floodgates for me. 🥹

I also learned that I have to be my own cheerleader. I have to be my own biggest supporter and best friend. No one will come and save me, but myself (a homage to the lesson in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban). I will be relying on myself in this lifetime, and so I need to cultivate a good relationship with myself. That positive energy, for sure, will ripple to the people around me.

This particular life situation is still unfolding for me, and the safest space for me to emotionally unload... is this blog. 😅 Writing my feelings out helps me to really process them. Journaling feels like that Harry Potter spell wherein you extract a memory from your head and place it in a basin (what is it called again?) and examine that memory as an outsider. I feel like that is what I'm doing here, but instead of memories, I am dealing with my emotions. During journaling, I would cry, and I realized that it's a healthy way to process emotions. Before, I used to cope with negative emotions by suppressing them, and just allowing myself to shut down and not feel anything. But because of my recent life experiences, I realized that that's not the way to go. And so now I'm on the other side of things. I am now feeling the feelings, embracing the wave of emotions as they flow through me.

I need to be there for my parents, especially my mother. My mom is a strong-willed person, but I realize she has the impulse to panic and to think too much (I guess I now know where I got the trait from 😅).  She is the kind of person who gets stressed riding planes because she's so afraid of turbulence. The last time we flew, she held my hand during a very slight turbulence. Meanwhile, I am the kind of person who enjoys turbulence as if it's a roller coaster ride. The wilder the turbulence, the more I enjoy it. 🤣I mean I do imagine the worst-case scenarios to happen during that time, but then I just think, well at least the end would be instant (excuse the morbid thoughts).

I can just imagine her train of thoughts anticipating this experience. I pray that she gets to sleep and rest well before her operation. I pray that she doesn't think too much of it and to let her know that we, her family, are there to support her. For myself, I'm just anticipating that being in the waiting area of the operation room will be an emotional experience for me, so I am praying those same prayers for myself. 

I had to drop everything at work; the deadlines occupying my headspace for most of the day are not my top priority anymore.

I'm praying for the best outcome. I'm praying for my mother's health and for everyone in the family as we all go through this. I know some friends read this blog, so if you've read this far, can I make a request for prayers for my mom? That would mean a lot. Thank you. 🥺