Life Logs: Gloomy Horizon

July 30, 2020

Since my last log, the site has drawn in some unexpected guests. But I guess I should have seen this coming. They came here uninvited, so I guess I'll have to entertain their curiosity. Just like what they say: ask and you shall receive. Knock and you will be opened for.

What would happen if I allowed myself to let loose? What things will I do? This drama that I am currently watching is just messing with my head. I related to the story and the characters in so many ways. In the beginning, I thought I saw myself in that one character and then as the story progressed, things suddenly switched around. It's a weekly released drama and I found myself looking forward to each episode every Saturday and Sunday night. Although this habit ended up with me feeling groggy every Monday morning, I didn't really regret it. Amidst all the things that are happening today, this is one thing that makes me feel alive. Through the drama, I'm being able to feel and come face-to-face with emotions and issues I'm trying to run away from for years (yep just like the character). Unlike in the drama that after four episodes all the conflicts established would eventually find their respective resolution, for me I think I would be spending my whole lifetime just pretending everything is normal and just getting on with life like nothing's wrong or and everything is going smooth and well. What will happen if I lose my safety pin? What kind of emotions would resurface? What side of me would I see?

Yup, quarantine life is starting to get to me. When the virus was just an arm's length away, I felt nothing. It seems like I don't care anymore. If things get fucked up, then so be it. I'm also in the process of coming into terms with some recent realizations that came to me. Some things I presented and offered felt unappreciated. I realized that I couldn't really help anymore those people who won't let me help them.

I guess this is also the effect of binge-watching Japan Sinks:2020.😅 I'm planning to add to my Netflix queue similar titles like Save Me and Dark. I don't know where my mental health would be after seeing these.😂 I guess I'm trying to desensitize myself from these negative emotions. I wonder if this would indeed help.

In another note, I'm deciding to follow my intuition. Since the very start, I knew something was wrong with this person.... I just couldn't pinpoint what. Until now I'm still trying to figure out. But there were a lot of moments when I felt something was off (there was actually a very crystal clear giveaway but I chose to ignore it). But now my "sixth sense" is just trying to pull me to step back. And now, I decided that that's what I will do. I have seen enough. Let's draw the boundaries with thicker lines once more.

In a more positive note (yes there's one at last haha), I found a connection, and I'm learning a lot from this new-found camaraderie. I'm trying to learn as much as I could because I knew in myself this is one thing that I wanted to try for as long as I could remember. Interestingly, I chose to be vulnerable and exposed my creations. It was torture, but I knew that was the only way to grow and be better. 

Do you know what's worse than being alone? Today, I felt a glimpse of that emotion, but I'm still choosing to leave and cut off (temporarily) because I know I needed a break. Let's see what I would find in this whole new level of isolation.

Although currently there are lots of gray clouds in my head, I am trying to remind myself that the blue peaceful sky is still there - I just have to choose to see it. ☁

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