Kath's Journey | Going one step at a time

Day 3: Focusing on the Positive

August 25, 2025

The pain doesn't get easier. I thought I was making progress yesterday, but the pain is still at the same level. I'm caught in my thoughts now, questioning things. I still miss him, but I don't have the courage to message him, and I knew I shouldn't.

I have started making notes (yes I have notes aside from the lengthy voice notes 😂) on the things that I wanted to "report" in the future. I'm actually worried now about that scenario, because I don't know if I would be able to handle it. I'm not sure how I will react if I get to see him again. This caused some feeling of anxiety again, but I refocused my energy to just focus on the now. One step at a time, self. Remember that.

I am slowly doing the process of stepping back and seeing the relationship for what it was. I was able to note things that I have observed that I was not fully aware of because I was in the middle of it. Now that I'm looking at our relationship from a different perspective, I am now understanding the point that he was raising during our talk three days ago. Now I'm really understanding where he was coming from.

There really are positives and negatives with this experience. But, I really want to highlight the positive things that are coming out of this journey.

I am forming a deeper relationship with my friends. I got to express to them my rawest raw of emotions, and they also returned them back with very heartfelt messages of comfort.

I am feeling more compassionate. I feel like I now know better how to comfort someone that is struggling emotionally, because now I know how it feels to be in pain. I am now better equipped to help others in this aspect.

I am forming tighter bonds with my family, especially with the women. I'm having conversations with my mom, sister, and niece that I've never had before. Because of this, I am feeling closer to them.

I got reconnected with my faith. 🕊️ In my opinion, my faith with God didn't really go away but I think through this experience, it transformed into something more solid and intentional. I am explicitly expressing my thoughts through prayers and words, not just feelings of gratitude and wishes sitting in my subconscious.

I am now seeing this experience as a gift. I have more compassion now, having been in touch with a larger range of human emotions. One of my friends even congratulated me. "Congrats for experiencing your first heartbreak!" I felt like I had earned a new badge. If life was an RPG, I just have gained a significant number of EXP points that I will surely be able to use on the next stages of my life.

As much as there were negatives, there are still the positive things. And I want to focus on that. ✨

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lessons

Day 2: Emotional Unpacking

August 24, 2025

I miss you.

I see you everywhere.

But I know I shouldn't reach out to you.

I'm telling myself that if I did, I won't find the version of you that I have known and loved. I will see the version of you with all the barriers up, and that will just hurt me more. 💔

~o~

I'm still feeling restless. I'm just so grateful that today is a holiday so I really have the time for myself to reflect and process all of these emotions. I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do with this energy. It feels like something is stuck in my chest. And then I remembered this quotation:

"Grief is love with nowhere to go."

This is what I'm experiencing right now. All the love, attention, and affection that I'm so used to pouring out to that person are now, all of a sudden, stagnant inside me. My mind and body are now just so confused by this sudden shift of energy. 😔

But first and foremost, I am so grateful for myself. Thank you, self, for continuing to push through. I'm still able to do basic things for myself. I get to eat, even though I have zero appetite. I get to rest, even though I cannot sleep well. The first thing I did today was to arrange my room, replace my bedsheets, and take a bath. It feels comforting that I could still take care of myself during this time. What my idea of a broken-hearted girl, based on what I have seen in dramas and movies (😅), is that of a girl not leaving her room, all used tissues in disarray on her bed. She is just sleeping all day, eating junk food, sweets, and other unhealthy stuff. Well, some people might really have a process like that when dealing with a breakup. People do have different coping mechanisms anyway. Maybe also, I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

The first evening after we parted ways was the hardest. I have already built habits around him during this time of the day, and not having that for the first time was something indescribable. Before, when I didn't have any idea of the dynamics of romantic relationships, it always puzzled me why people choose not to connect with the person that was once the most important part of their life. Like whyyyy? And now, I know why. It's because of the pain. Would you dare to place your hand on a hot pan again after accidentally touching it and feeling your fingers sting due to the burn? You won't, right? You won't.

~o~

I learned the importance of hydration during this time. It's unnerving how I don't realize that I need to drink water already because I was distracted with the crying sessions. But once I get a sip of water, I realize how thirsty I actually was already. And so I always have my yellow tumbler with me. It's heartbreaking to remember that this tumbler also holds some memories to me that are sad now. I feel like all the glowing golden globes of happy memories that I have created from that relationship are now being touched by Sadness, and they are all turning into blue.

I acknowledge that what I am going through right now is a universal human experience. A lot of people, unfortunately, have experienced this kind of pain, each unique in its own. But I also acknowledge that some of the most beautiful creations of art like music, painting, poems, books, emerged from a person's pain. They have converted the energy that was stuck in them, into something beautiful. I hope to do something similar to that. Maybe this journaling process is the product itself already.

~o~

One of the most difficult things that I realize now is that I don't have the person anymore that listens to my rants and every random thing that I want to talk about. I have my other people I talk to of course, but there are things that I cannot tell even the closest of my friends. With him, I always knew that I could go to him and tell him everything without the fear of being judged. But now, it's gone. My safe space is gone.

~o~

I got to have a call with one of my closest friends that first night. She was really heaven-sent, because I got myself occupied during the first night of his absence. Recounting the events was still painful. Memories of that night were becoming hazy, all I remember was the feelings that I felt during that time.

With all the words of wisdom that my friend has imparted on me, one specific hit me in a different way. My friend said, "He had to choose himself. If he chose me, he would sooner or later run out of energy, trying to catch up with all the responsibilities that he has, and the pressure of establishing himself in society. It wouldn't be good for our relationship".

~o~

I'm realizing now that one of the reasons why all of this happened to me is for me to return back to my faith. I always recognized that even before, that he had that impact on me. And now, one of the lessons I am learning is to always pray and let God take the wheel. I am experiencing emotional pain and chest pain because I am carrying the burden. But if I let go of this and allow God to do His will, I would feel lighter.

I want to apply this in all aspects of my life. There are things that are making me anxious currently (aside from this heartache) and I realized that the more that I think about it, the more that it will just drive me crazy. Regardless of how hard I go back and forth thinking about it, what will happen will be beyond my control. So now, I'm learning to just surrender. I just pray that I will be protected and be guided.

~o~

As I continue processing all these thoughts and feelings, one by one I am seeing the flaws of the relationship. I see parts where I am at fault, and I see his, too. I guess really if you are in the middle of a relationship, you don't see clearly. I am also learning that I shouldn't be hard on myself. This was my first relationship and I got to discover versions of myself that I have never known were inside me. As I slowly cut off the entanglements, I am seeing myself clearer now, realizing my mistakes and all the lessons learned from the experience. I guess this is the process of what character development looks like.

The waves continue to come and go. I allow myself to feel each one of them, but I am also learning not to ruminate that much, else I will spiral down. And so I redirect my energy. I picked up my (long overdue) to-do list and the calendar and planned my day. I discovered that when I do this, I feel more grounded and in control. I paid my bills, completed some Toastmasters tasks, did some laundry, and even exercised on the treadmill. I was playing Taylor Swift's "The Tortured Poets Department" album while exercising. I got triggered by most of the songs so I was actually crying while doing the workout. 😅

This song was my anthem during that time, and it really echoed back my feelings during that exact moment.

~o~

I also had some pockets of peaceful silence during this day, like things were coming back like how it was before. I always enjoyed quiet weekend afternoons at home, with me just doing my thing. I realized it's been a while since I've had that kind of peaceful solitude. I'm grateful to have been able to remember glimpses of it again today. I guess in the future, I need to learn how to balance having time for myself and spending time with my partner so that I would still feel grounded. Again, this is another lesson learned.

~o~

A lot of emotional unpacking really happened today. I feel like I am making progress. I'm slowly beginning to collect myself. I know this is just day two. I still don't know how I will cope in the next few days, but hey, it's one day at a time.

Also, one step at a time. It's amazing how I always circle back to this mantra of mine, of the very theme of this blog. I guess somehow, I always had the answer within me. I just have to learn how to discover it again myself. ✨

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lessons

The First 12 Hours

August 20, 2025

12:42AM, Wednesday

It's been almost an hour since I arrived home. I didn't feel like myself, because who would? In a span of hours, my mind and energy has shifted. It really felt surreal having "that talk" because I already imagined that several times in my head during those times that I was overthinking. It felt like I was in a dream, a nightmare to be exact, when I heard those words from him. I was hyper focused because I wanted to catch each and every word that he uttered, but actually even though I was recognizing the words, I couldn't comprehend most of it. I just felt my body chemistry changing and I couldn't think clearly anymore. We talked, compromised, and parted ways.

The moment I got home, I was feeling drained. I wanted to collect my thoughts so I got my phone to create voice notes (which I'm actually using as a reference to write this). I couldn't really gather my thoughts, and I didn't know how to express myself. One movie came to mind, that one entitled (500) Days of Summer. I even wrote a review about it a few years back. I always liked this movie because of its unique representation of the dynamics of a relationship. The pain that I got from this movie really placed a mark in me. And that pain came rushing back to me because somehow it has some parallel themes on what I am going through right now. One of the most hurtful things for me right now with regards to my situation is that no one really was at fault. Each side had a valid point of view, and going into this relationship, I always knew this. But we still gave it a try. Although I am feeling pain right now, I'm still glad I did take the risk.

I was introduced to a different kind of world, a world wherein I was not walking alone. I learned things from how he saw the world. I became more courageous and outgoing. I was able to experience new things, visited new places, and went to lots of food escapades. I really enjoyed each of them because it was all new and I was with a person that I liked. I believe this was a push that I needed especially after the pandemic. My comfort zone was staying within my city. Even going to the office felt stressful for me. But through these adventures that he pulled me into, I got used to commuting again. I got to ride the public trains again. I got to drive to new places. I have lots of happy memories scattered around Metro Manila (and a few beyond), and now I am looking back at all of them with pain in my chest and tears in my eyes.😢

As I was trying to process these overwhelming emotions, I just couldn't help but go back to the feeling of gratitude that I always had since getting together with him. I truly believe that he was an answered prayer, and I was happy. Even up to the last moment, I was still in awe like it was still not sinking in that I found someone like him, someone that loved and cared for me. However, now, I'm dealing with the loss of it, and this agony is so unimaginably heavy.

At this point during my voice notes recording, wherein I was continuously ugly crying, I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. As I saw the remnants of the last meal that I had with him, I cried again. The feeling was just so crazy and painful. 😔 I was beginning to notice that the feelings of sadness and pain comes and goes like waves. One moment I was feeling okay, and then when a thought or memory comes back, I suddenly start crying again. That's what has been happening. I feel like this is grief. I am grieving the relationship that I had.

I want to set guidelines for myself. I don't want to linger with past emotions. I don't want to be that kind of person that would look back on messages. Also I don't want to scroll that much on social media, especially on Instagram reels, because I have experienced them having a negative effect on my mental state. Since I also have built out habits around him, I would have to start replacing them with new ones. I know for sure, overthinking will come. Sadly this time around, no one will be there to give me assurance. I have to get it from myself. What he will do from this point forward will be out of my control. I'll need to focus on myself.

03:33 AM, Wednesday

I woke up from a short-one-hour sleep, and I cried again as soon as the memories loaded. Now I was in the stage wherein I was questioning things. Which of them were true and sincere? Which of them were not? The last thing I wanted was to taint those happy memories that I have created with this person. I don't want to muddle them with these heightened emotions. Because of these confused thoughts, I just started getting tearful again.

The physical manifestations came rushing in again. The pain in my chest. The adrenaline rush. I remembered when I was single, there was this recurring thought wherein I haven't really had the full range of human emotions because I haven't felt the highest of highs of happiness and the lowest of lows of misery. However, since meeting him, I have felt the happiness of being in love. And now, the Universe is giving me the other extreme side of the spectrum.

When I was in love, I had an added layer of understanding about life, like oh so this is what all the love songs were about. Listening to Taylor Swift songs hit differently actually. And now, oh wow, this time, I would be consuming the sad TS songs in a whole different way now. 😔

I started to disconnect from the things that connected us, may it be of physical things or virtual things. It would help in coping and in moving on.

06:50AM, Wednesday

I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends. It was a 2h25m call. I messaged her on Instagram at around 4:00AM telling her I won't make it on our scheduled trips. To my surprise, she was online. She offered to call even though she was catching up with some work 🥺 and so there, I poured out my emotions with her. And boy, I believe God sent her to me precisely during this time because I heard from her the opinion and advice that I needed to hear without any sugarcoating. I realized things that I was repeatedly ignoring and her insight gave me more perspective.

08:00AM - 12:00PM, Wednesday

I wasn't able to make some decent sleep, but surprisingly my mind and body are still alert. Maybe this is because I am currently running on a fight-or-flight mode. Just on the onset, I had to stop myself from doing things out of habit. I cried while having breakfast. I felt like I didn't have any appetite and I was afraid I would throw up again. I slowly arranged my things in my room, and in the afternoon, I started writing this blog entry.

And just like that, I have survived the first 12 hours.

As I continue to process these emotions, I kind of realized that maybe this was a blessing from the Universe also. It takes courage for one to have these difficult conversations. We finally head-on acknowledged the elephant in the room, which we always recognized was with us. It was only until that talk that we took a closer look on what plan (or the lack of plan) we had to address it.

Universe/God/Creator, I'm so grateful for my mom. I broke down crying the moment I got home. I'm thankful to have that moment with her. Also, thank you for the opportunity that I got to say the things that I wanted to say for the longest time to my sister.

I want to promise myself that I will love myself more, and put myself first. And I will pray and be closer to God. I will also surround myself with the people that care for me.

This too shall pass. 🙏 ✨

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life

Reality Check

August 18, 2025

Time check: 01:00 AM on a Monday.

I know I should be sleeping and resting since it's the start of the work week. But instead, here I am still wide awake -- my body, mind, and soul running on survival mode. 😔

I always thought that I would do well during times when I feel negative emotions or when life throws me lemons. I am very familiar with the power of meditation and journaling for dealing with overwhelming surges of emotions. However, maybe theoretical skills just don't always translate into practical skills. 😅 Like right now, I should have placed into practice all the things I learned about mindfulness, but instead I found myself here, in the early hours of the morning, having an emotional meltdown.

For the last several hours, I have been trying to sleep. But my mind is running around in a feast giving me all the intrusive thoughts in the world, as my eyes continuously flowed with tears. Honestly, I don't know who my enemy is anymore. Do you know that feeling when something feels too good to be true, you nitpick out things that you might be missing something? I found myself looking into the details and finding loopholes that I might be neglecting or missing out. It's my brain's way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt, and so I zoom in to every action to see if there's something I need to be alert of. I gave in to intrusive thoughts, and things went out of control. There are things I did that I think are irreversible now, but thankfully, I still had the presence of mind to not further incur damage. I think I made the right choice to unplug because I feel like the online noise is just feeding the beast inside of me.

And so here I am again, back to my online haven, my safe sanctuary, which I have actually ignored for months now. I think I would spend more time here, to further digest my emotions and really see where I want to go from here.

I want to be busy with work. I want to focus more on my hobbies. I want to invest more in myself. Currently, I'm drowning in responsibilities. My to-do list is getting longer every day, and my commitments to people are piling up. There's just really a lot of things going on. Many new things have been introduced in my life, and I have a whole different set of responsibilities and commitments. However, what's clear now to me as I go on writing this entry is that I want to return to writing and setting goals, because those activities have always been my guide to my North Star. Those activities made me feel like my life has a purpose and those provided a kind of fulfillment that I needed.

I guess it's clear now. I am going back to this safe sanctuary that I have been with for more than a decade. I need more time for myself, more time to arrange my thoughts without any input from social media or an AI chatbot. 😅 That would help me digest and figure out what I really want out of life in general. Of course, I would reach out to people that care about me, in every form that I might be in. I am very grateful to have them in my life. I want to break down the things I need to do and move forward with actions that align with my life's purpose, one step at a time. I believe in myself, and I believe that I will get there in time.

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concerts

The 1975: At Their Very Best (Live in Manila)

April 09, 2025

I can't believe I am finally writing about this today.

This was, without a doubt, the best concert I have ever experienced in my entire concert journey. And up to this day (two years after LOL), I can attest that this statement still holds true. I was on a high from start to finish. The whole experience felt like a drug directly injected into my bloodstream, as pure euphoria overpowered my whole being during the entirety of this concert. 😍

It's with The 1975 that I kickstarted my solo concerts journey back in 2015 and I have never been the same since. This was the fourth time I was seeing them live in concert -- the second time was in 2016 during the In the Mix concert, and the third time in 2019. I have never been prouder to be a loyal fan right from the start. I have seen them develop their craft, and see their fanbase grow along that journey.

This concert, that I attended in May 2023, was to promote their new album entitled "Being Funny in a Foreign Language." They didn't have a concert tour dedicated to their previous album "Notes on a Conditional Form" because of COVID, but for this concert, they focused on promoting their latest album. I purchased VIP floor seats. 🎫I don't usually buy standing tickets in concerts (LOL if you are millennial you know HAHA) but for this band, I was ready to be physically tired. Besides, I knew I won't be sitting anyways😆

Over the years, I have observed the change in popularity of this band; they are now more famous, which is why the concert venue is more packed than usual.

At least the fans received the memo. 🖤

Since I got floor tickets, Pulp PH, the concert organizer, gave away freebies! I claimed a photo card of the band before the start of the show. I was given a wristband that says "Floor B." It is now one of the collectibles that I treasure and keep in my memorabilia box inside my cabinet. I was so happy to get my photo card. 🥰

Entering a concert venue when you have floor tickets never not takes my breath away. And this was exactly my feelings when I stepped into the arena.

At first, I was on the left side of the stage, but after some calculations, I saw that there were fewer people on the right side. And so I made my way to squeeze myself into the crowd. This was in 2023, and there was still the crisis of COVID, so I went to the concert wearing a mask. As a solo concertgoer, it can feel a bit awkward because you don't have someone to talk to, but I was used to it, so I just minded my own business.

The opening act was Wallice. Her music style reminded me of Pale Waves. After their set, I saw her go to the tech booth area to watch the rest of the show. I was very near the tech booth, and I saw some people taking photos with her.

After a few minutes, it's showtime!!! I found it amusing that during the opening, they showed footage of the band coming out of the backstage, riding electric scooters shaped as animals that were obviously small for them to ride on. 😂

I was not focused on taking photos for the blog or concert photography like I had done before, since I have seen this band many times, anyway. Instead, I focused on enjoying the show, and what a show it was. It was truly one of the best concerts I have ever attended, setting a high bar for me.

Matty Healy looked incredibly handsome; this was the best version of him I have seen live. This is significant because I have seen him during his struggles with addiction, but now he appears to be clean, and I am proud of his progress. Sometimes, I forget that we are the same age, having been born in the same year. 😅The timing of their concert coincided with rumors of him being connected with Taylor Swift. These are just rumors, but his market value certainly went high due to this speculation (and looking at everything that happened in retrospective, boy were the rumors so true 😆).

I watched some of my clips from the concert, which I have not played since the event. I just looked at a clip of them performing "Looking for Somebody (To Love)," one of my favorite songs from the album. It’s a banger, but if you look closely at the lyrics, it has a very gloomy message. The goosebumps I felt during their energetic performance are evidence of my appreciation for it.

One remarkable experience at this concert was that they played all the songs I love!!! As in there was no dull moment -- it was banger after banger after banger of songs. This was the perfect set, the heaven-sent 1975 set. That really sent me to eargasm heaven. 😍🎵 It was also wonderful to see the rest of the band members; it felt like family. It was heartwarming to be reunited with them and see them perform on stage.

One thing I noticed immediately on stage was that it was not as large a production as the other stage setups for this tour. I did not watch any videos of their show before my concert day to maintain an element of surprise, but based on the photos I have seen, the stage I saw during their concert here was more minimalist, unlike those I have seen online wherein there were even rooms of a house on stage. Perhaps due to logistics constraints, they opted for this kind of setup.

Going back to the setlist, the sequence of all those great songs created an adrenaline high for me; I felt euphoric during the show. I was jumping around (even though my knees were hurting LOL). And the crowd was hyped, just like me! If you look at the video footage I got, my camera was shaking because I was jumping all over the place. HAHAHA.

Before they sang About You, I noticed Matty mouthing some words to the camera. Little did I know that this was a crucial moment for the Healy-Swift romantic arc that will commence a few weeks from this moment. 😅

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This moment went viral, especially in the Swiftie universe, and I am proud I had firsthand experience of this. 😆

"The Sound" will always be a vibe to be seen performed live. I am so happy to be part again of the crowd that jumped on cue when Matty shouted "1, 2, 3, let's jump now!" Oh, but my knees were not cooperating. I wanted to raise my vibrations, but I think my knees won’t allow it anymore. 🥲 I remember wearing a mask that kept slipping down my face because I was dancing and getting sweaty, but I didn’t care. I was truly having a good time during this concert.

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They sang twenty songs in total. They didn’t have an encore, but wow, solid twenty songs, and each one was a favorite of mine. It was truly a night to remember. I went home alone, but I didn’t care much. I really enjoyed that night, and even now, looking back, I’m so happy I was able to be there on day one of the concert.

Reliving that night was incredibly fun. I really missed the vibe and am happy to finally write about it on my blog. It was truly a night to remember, and it will be difficult to surpass. While I could talk about my experiences with Taylor Swift and IU, they just don't compare. The 1975 is a different breed of band, and attending their concert for the fourth time says a lot about me as a fan.

I love them and am grateful to have seen them. I hope they tour again, and I hope to have the resources and opportunity to attend with someone by my side next time. Regardless, I will continue to enjoy their music. They were at their very best that night; they truly delivered. ❤️‍🔥

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lessons

A Renewed Faith 🤲🕊️

April 09, 2025

Old with the new. This is where the shopping center once stood.

This experience occurred several weeks ago and significantly shifted my entire being, my perspective on the world, and how I will navigate life moving forward. To provide some context, I am not particularly religious; I would describe myself more as a spiritual person. I was raised as a Catholic, but as I grew older, especially during high school and college, my beliefs expanded beyond traditional religious teachings to include more spiritual practices.

Over the years since college, I have been fluid in my beliefs, discovering spiritual concepts and foundations in other religions, such as Buddhism. I became deeply interested in meditation and other spiritual modalities (especially during the pandemic) and those became the foundation of my belief system.

However, several weeks ago, something clicked within me when I attended church on that fateful Sunday morning. On that day, my boyfriend and I arranged to meet to attend a mass. He is a dedicated Catholic. This aspect of him truly fascinated me, as it is not common in my circle to encounter a devout Catholic; most of the people I interact with are agnostic believers. He knows that I am not a practicing Catholic, but he accepted that. I admitted to him that I usually attend church only on special occasions, with my last visit being on New Year’s Day. He told me I was a "cafeteria Catholic." I had to Google what it meant. Well yes, I think it was accurate for him to say that about me. 😅

Even though I was not a regular church goer as an adult, church played a huge part in my childhood because my mother used to serve in church. I was kind of surprised that I still knew the songs that were sung during that mass, even having the lyrics memorized. It's as if some core childhood memories were being unearthed during that moment.

Then came the homily, where things shifted significantly. I couldn't help but cry while seated in the mass. I was really ugly crying, like OMG. 😢 I felt fortunate to have a caring boyfriend who lent me his handkerchief to dry my tears (which he had done for me before). I let my tears flow because the lessons the priest shared struck a chord in my heart. And then I realized the things I had been lacking all these years. I recognized that I had been practicing a form of self-service DIY faith. While I know my faith is pure and my intentions are genuine in wanting to serve and give back to the community, I realized that the keyword is community. That is one thing missing in my life. I had forgotten or overlooked the importance of belonging to a strong community that would help me grow as a believer and guide me on my spiritual journey. I also realized that this might be the reason I am easily swayed by my inner demons. My faith feels weak because I have been nurturing it alone. This isolation makes me susceptible to negative thoughts and overthinking. I understand now that my foundation of faith has not been strong enough.

When the time for receiving communion came, a dream rushed back to me. I vividly remembered that a few weeks ago, I actually dreamed of receiving communion. I have not done so in a long while so I felt like it was really a weird dream. Well, little did I know that it's the Universe planting seeds into my mind. I felt that this was the moment the Universe had led me to, a time for me to look back and renew my faith. I got up, went in line, and received my first communion since college. I felt ready to accept my faith again.

As I knelt down and prayed after receiving communion, the tears flowed again, and I let it all out. Those tears were the culmination of years of feeling lost, a realization that I had been lost in my faith. Finally, I felt like I was home, and that I have finally found something that I could lean on to grow my faith.

I hope I didn't make my boyfriend feel awkward during that time, but that moment was truly something between me and my Creator. I am so happy, so glad, and so thankful that I found my way back to my faith.

After the mass, I felt really light, and it felt like a full circle because we visited the university campus where I graduated. We strolled around, and it made me reminisce, feeling nostalgic as I recognized my college building. Even after all these years, it felt the same, despite the many new buildings nearby. It felt both old and new at the same time, which resonates with how I feel about my faith. My faith is something that has been within me since childhood, yet it feels new to me at this stage of my life because I have not practiced it in a while. I felt like a renewed person that day.

The day after, I felt a shift in my body. I felt lighter, and the most amazing thing was that my kinder inner voice returned. This inner voice, which I didn't know I had lost, was the one that helped me navigate through high school and college during stressful times. I didn't even realize it had faded away.

I also felt more secure in my romantic relationship, recognizing that God made him an instrument to restore my faith. For the past few weeks, I struggled with trusting people, especially regarding things beyond my control. This was an area in our relationship that I found challenging. However, now that I recognize and trust that God sent him to me for a purpose, I see him as someone from God. Previously, I had difficulty placing my trust, but now I can say that he has my heart and my trust. I know nothing is certain in the future, but at this moment, I am grateful that he led me back to Him.

It's still a work in progress, but I am feeling a renewed gusto for life. I want to do better and be a better human being, especially for myself and for the people I love. I am slowly renewing my inner garden, reshaping how I see life, myself, and my purpose.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you, God. Thank you, Creator, for allowing me to experience this moment. I am grateful for it and will carry that gratitude for the rest of my life. 💖

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personal

Cobblestones [♬ ~ #37]

February 23, 2025

I can't believe that my last piano-related post is way back in 2022. It's been three years, and I find it a bit of a bummer because I love playing the piano. However, because life happened, I wasn't able to practice consistently throughout the years.

I noticed though in my past few piano posts, that the driving force for me to tap into this creative-side of mine is when I get inspired. Through enough, the piano piece in this post is a very special one because it is a product of an inspirational spark. It's not just any piano piece, it's THE piano piece because it is a self-composed piece that was inspired by true-to-life experiences.

I've discussed throughout the blog that I haven't been in a romantic relationship due to various reasons. Because of my age, I feel like I have been missing out. I know it's not the right mindset, but when compared to the usual timeline for women, society expects a woman in her mid-thirties to have a family and have already established her career, focusing on nurturing new life through raising children. However, I wasn't even one foot into the dating scene... until this year. 🥰

You know, life is truly full of surprises. I truly believe that this guy is an answered prayer, because his personality and characteristics aligned with what I wanted and needed subconsciously. He is very aware of where I stand in the romantic scene and he genuinely wants me to experience things that he thinks I have missed out on in terms of dating. That is why he took me on a very memorable Valentine's day date. For the longest time, February 14 has been just "single awareness day" for me. I would see couples, with girls holding flowers, and throughout the years, my feelings have changed from bitterness and jealousy to something more neutral. I felt a bit disengaged from the whole couple's scene because it seemed like something that was not for me (or better yet, something that I was just not into yet). However, this year, things have changed, and it was truly a memorable day.

I don't even recognize this pretty girl smiling at the camera. Was this really me? 😍

And this is where the inspiration came in. A few days ago, a melody came to me. I have always wanted to dabble in composing, but I never knew where to start. I would often have a lingering melody in my head that I thought would be an interesting foundation to build upon, but for one reason or another, I was unable to capture it, and before I knew it, I had forgotten about it. This time, perhaps fueled by inspiration, I felt something awaken within me. I grabbed my phone, opened up voice notes, and started humming. This process was actually inspired by how Taylor Swift creates her music; she records her ideas on her phone so she can revisit them later when she has access to a piano or guitar.

I guess that's what happened to me. And so after that initial voice note, I began exploring the melody and the idea for the next few days. Because I don't have a formal background in piano, it is a bit tricky for me to work on that melody. I have an idea of what I want it to sound like, but since I'm not trained to produce music, it was challenging for me to work and build upon the melody as I imagined it to be on the actual piano.

However, thankfully, I have a foundation in chord theory, which allowed me to build upon the piece based on its key. Through that, I was able to easily play the accompanying chords and melody with my left hand.

Here is my composition.

It is a short piece, but it is very meaningful to me because it stems from the feelings I had during that day. It is memorable because it was my first time (in a while) visiting those places, and this time, it was with someone dear to me. I felt truly special that day, not just because of the gifts, but also because of the gestures, words of affirmation, and physical touch that I received from my special person. Many love languages were expressed to me that day, and I was really happy. I want to immortalize the feelings I experienced that day through this piece.

It is a piece with a playful melody, signifying my heart skipping a beat that day. In one part, it feels like it's posing some questions: how long will this last? Are these feelings true? How deeply will these feelings seep through my heart and soul? However, as the song ends, there's a realization that those questions do not really matter at this moment. It's better to refocus on the current happy moment and capture something that will remain unchanged in history. No matter what happens in the future, these memories exist and this piece is a reminder of the happiness that was felt that day.

I am grateful to the Universe for orchestrating this event for me. I also thank this soul that has found me. I am continuing to know this person better, and I am just so grateful to have him in my life right now. Whatever happens in the future, I will cherish those memories of that day for life, because I felt happiness that I couldn't imagine that I was capable of. 🥰

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life

Card Reading: Navigating Unfamiliar Emotional Territory 🎴

January 19, 2025

So much has happened in the past weeks that I do feel like a different person now. I am aware that these intense emotions are brought about by biological factors. Yes, a lot of hormones are at play and I acknowledge that amidst all the chaos, there is a "self" inside me that is a neutral observer of all the thoughts that are going on in my head right now🧠(which is a concept from the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). I'm using this theory to separate "the self" from the feelings that I am experiencing right now so that I can approach and process them with clarity.

Card reading has been my tool in doing this. With a specific topic/theme in mind, I interpret each card with the use of my intuition. I always ask the question "what comes to mind first when I see the card?" This method proved really effective for me in uncovering the ideas, emotions, and thoughts that are already floating in the surface of my subconscious.

For this card spread, I am using the Celestial Navigation Spread provided by The Phantomwise Tarot and Guidebook.

Card #1: The Ship - the current position or circumstance.

The first card drawn is the Five of Wands. In the card illustration, there are children holding sticks, appearing to be hitting a poor animal that is hanging from a rope connected to a branch of a tree.

I feel like this describes my emotional state right now. A lot of voices are ringing in my head. Many thoughts are being thrown in every direction, creating a sense of chaos. The voices are talking over each other, each wanting to be heard the loudest. This was kind of overwhelming, and moved me to tears the first time I experienced it 😢. But I am getting better with handling it. This "mental disturbance" is happening because my mind is trying its best to navigate through this situation. 😅

Card #2: The Sextant - a tool that may be used to aid on this journey

The card is the Four of Wands. In this specific Phantomwise card illustration, it is depicted as a layered cake with four sticks on the topmost layer, tied together with ropes. Looking at the card intuitively, I feel like it illustrates mutual support and open communication. These are the tools that will be used for the two people involved in navigating this moment of their lives. I'm also building the foundation wherein my actions are rooted from pure positive intentions towards the other person.

I have to say, this is really a very tricky road to walk on, akin to walking on thin ice. Heightened emotions can lead to recklessness. That's why I believe that it is important to take things slow.

To summarize: open communication, support, and the best intentions for each other are essential.

Card #3: The Evening Star - an idea or influence that may be fading

It's the Nine of Pentacles for this one. For the longest time, I have been navigating this world as an individual, but now there is someone that's interested to enter my world, and vice-versa. Relating to a concept from a workshop that I recently attended, the change involves two complete people enhancing their lives even more through each other's presence. I believe that this card is hinting on this limiting belief that I have for myself for the longest time, that I don't need face the world alone all the time.

The Pentacles suit relates to resources, and for this particular situation, that resource is time. Making plans may not be as straightforward as before; now, there is another person with whom I want to share my plans with. We are at a stage where we wish to be involved in each other's worlds, so blocking time in our schedule for each other becomes essential. This is how I interpret this card.

Card #4: The North Star - a point to keep constant

I got The Chariot. "The card suggests the need for focus, discipline, and the ability to steer life towards success despite challenges." This interpretation really hits the bulls-eye for me 🎯. Amidst all the chaos and changes happening for both of us, it is recommended that we still have boundaries. Despite the shared schedules and goals, we need to concentrate back on our own goals and responsibilities. Focus and discipline are key to do this. It is important to maintain individuality and not be drowned by the passing of emotions, especially during this very delicate early stage of the relationship.

Card #5: The Morning Star - an aspect that has yet to be considered

The Knight of Swords is my card for this. I feel like it refers to how I would approach the next level if this relationship does progress. I haven't really thought of this, but I'm relieved that we got to have a discussion regarding this. I believe the card serves as a reminder to take my time to think about this area in this journey.

Card #6: The Far Shore - the goal or destination

I got the Seven of Pentacles, which is associated with assessment, patience, and long-term investment. The goal is to assess overall progress, establishing checkpoints to determine where we are and where we want to go in this relationship. It is essential to express patience in any conflicts that may arise.

I know it's still too early in the journey, but I believe it's worthwhile to establish this already at the onset. I believe regular conversations about feelings and perceptions of progress are important to ensure both parties are on the same page, eliminating confusion about the relationship's direction. Again, my rule of thumb is that my actions are rooted from the best intentions for the other person. We should consult with each other regularly to assess whether we are satisfied with how things are progressing, whether we need to pause, and if there are any conflicts of interest that are arising. The progress checkpoint is crucial for maintaining clear communication between both parties.

This is a nice spread. I get to flesh out all the thoughts that I have been juggling in my mind recently. I guess this is my way of journaling. 📝✨ In this very confusing part of my journey, I pray to always have sound judgment on how to approach situations, to not be swayed by emotions, and to avoid careless actions. 🙏

Thank you, Universe, for the guidance.

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fangirling

The 1975 Listening Parties: Song Insights

January 12, 2025

Editor's note: I believe it's already obvious, but I'll state it anyway -- this is a blog post that I drafted in the year 2020, and it got buried inside the drafts folder... until now 😇. I realized there's a lot of gems in here that I still wanted to properly collate and share with the world, because The 1975 will always be my best band in the world, no matter what. 🥰 So go ahead and enjoy these content. 😁

~o~

[Some time in the year 2020...]

For the past four weekends (around Saturday, 2AM Manila time), The 1975 (my favorite band in the world!) had been holding "listening parties" for each of their full-studio albums. This is all for the promotion of their newest album entitled "Notes on a Conditional Form" which officially released on May 22, 2020.

What is a Listening Party?

In my own definition, a listening party is an organized activity of listening to each song of a specific album at the same time. The goal is for the fans to all come together, interact and have fun while listening to the songs. This is usually being done as promotion for newly released music, for example.

For the band, this activity all happened on Twitter. As preparation on my end, I had the physical CD of their second album on hand (luckily I still have a laptop with a DVD drive) and my TweetDeck account open, with columns dedicated for 1) the official hashtag (#the1975) so I could also see what the other fans were saying about the song, and 2) for the band members and staff so I could also see what they were saying about the song currently being played. I think listening parties are really cool events because they bring a sense of connection between the band and the fans. Everyone is coming together to do a common activity -- listen to the songs -- and the band also gets to share their thoughts about the song to the fans. This is extra special during these times because everyone is self-isolating, and what we need more than ever is a sense of belonging to a community. For sure, we won't be able to catch the guys in a concert anytime soon, so at least in this way, we as fans, could still communicate both to the band members and to fellow fans as well.

Unfortunately, I was only able to attend one of these listening parties live (yup, the one for ILIWYS) ~~because this was where I had the most motivation to stay up at 2AM~~ this is my most nostalgic album from them due to lots of happy memories now ingrained to each of the songs. I have to say that I unabashedly spammed my Twitter feed with all my spazz and feels as I listened to the songs from the album (after a long time). I just couldn't contain my emotions as I listened to each of the tracks again. It was 2AM but I was dancing and jumping around as "The Sound" blasted on my headphones. As fun as it was, the party ended with tears in my eyes because of the last two songs in the album ("Nana" and "She Lays Down"). I always avoided listening to them because they're just so emotionally heavy (Nana hits so differently now because of the pandemic), and I saw that the fans felt that way as well.

Another aspect of joining listening parties is learning new things about the songs through the tweets of the band members. For each song, they share random stuff during the time that they wrote it -- it could be a photo, a video, a memory, or a trivia on the songwriting process. It makes me appreciate the songs on a different level.

Here are the new things I learned from these listening parties (for the other three I just had to backread tweets of the band):

The 1975 (Self-titled)

The 1975

We grew up with video games so we wanted ‘The 1975’ to be like our start up sound. Like Sega or PlayStation.
— 🥾🌍 (@Truman_Black) May 1, 2020

The City

The City - No cymbals going into the chorus. First song we made that wasn’t a piece of house music that was just a series of loops. Created the idea behind The 1975 musically
— 🥾🌍 (@Truman_Black) May 1, 2020

The orginial demo for this was recorded on the mic from a laptop in our rehearsal room. We used duct tape to tape down keys on our microkorg for the pad. It was next level.
— Adam Hann (@1975hann) May 1, 2020

M.O.N.E.Y.

M.O.N.E.Y. Reminds me of the motor museum in Liverpool and Friday nights on the train from London to Parr Street @1975hann @DirtyHit @Truman_Black @Gdans1975
— Jamie Oborne (@jamieoborne) May 1, 2020

Chocolate

omgwowunseenbtsphotos #the1975 pic.twitter.com/SrTYVoyemJ
— Adam Hann (@1975hann) May 1, 2020

Encounter

An encounter is the moment that the 2 characters from Robbers meet for the first time
— Adam Hann (@1975hann) May 1, 2020

Robbers

One of the very first songs we wrote #the1975
— Adam Hann (@1975hann) May 1, 2020

Girls

I remember when Matty showed me the demo for this, it was just the chorus looped over and over for 5 min, was still a tune even then
— Adam Hann (@1975hann) May 1, 2020

The low voice bit in Girls when it goes ‘GUUURLS’ really low that bit is dope
— 🥾🌍 (@Truman_Black) May 1, 2020

Menswear

Menswear is about weddings and racket which are a very inappropriate but seemingly unavoidable pairing
— 🥾🌍 (@Truman_Black) May 1, 2020

NOACF

The 1975

It is inspiring being in a room with Greta as she is only interested in her cause. It’s not an intimidating presence, or a cold presence, but it’s a real sense of purpose and that instilled a sense of optimism in me. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

People

“People” is about young voices of progression being drowned out by old regressive ideals. It sounds and feels like anger and momentum, like falling forward. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

The End

Ambient music - music with no lyrics - generates every emotional, sonic quality of The 1975. All the ambient moments, be them quite sprawling or epic or delicate, it’s essentially the engine left running in between songs. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Frail State of Mind

We’ve been a band for 17 years and the main reason we make lots of different types of music is because if we didn’t, we’d be fucking bored. Reaching to be bold is more avoiding being bored. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Streaming

“Streaming” was kind of incidental. It started as a loose, synth ambient piece of music. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

The Birthday Party

The Birthday Party was written as a drumbeat, baseline and vocals and then everything else came around it. It was a confessional, simple, journal entry. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Yeah I Know

Yeah I Know is one modular synth sound, one beat and three or four lyrics. Stark simplicity, with purpose. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Then Because She Goes

*no tweet from them*

Jesus Christ God Bless America

Having other people involved in what I do gives me anxiety a lot of the time, but none of that happened with Phoebe. It was quite casual, it was like finding an instrument for me. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Roadkill

* I wasn't able to keep their tweet*

Me & You Together Song

* I wasn't able to keep their tweet*

I Think There's Something You Should Know

Referencing old lyrics is very me, because it’s never a different story, it’s a continuation of the story. I think post-modernism drives a lot of my work. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Nothing Revealed

It’s a very unique vocal delivery on this song. I wouldn’t call it rapping, it’s just flow. I get to kind of flow and rhythmically punctuate with words. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Tonight

I struggled with this song because it was almost like a sonic experiment, a mixture of samples. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Shiny Collarbone

George made this arrangement of sounds and sent it to Cutty Ranks saying this is my interpretation of what the lyrics would be. One of the lines rhythmically sounded to George like ‘killing resulting in microphone culture’, which is one of the best lines on the album. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

If You're Too Shy

I think this song is what punk is right now, because it’s brash and it’s out there. It references stuff that’s come before but it doesn’t sound like anything else. I know we do that all the time, but to me it feels like doing the expected is now quite subversive. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Playing on my Mind

*I wasn't able to keep their tweet*

Having No Head

Read about Douglas Harding - George
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

What Should I Say

It was really hard to finish, really difficult to know what it was like. Every time we heard the female vocal, the synth chorus we thought "that’s really powerful, but what is it? Is it a chorus is it a verse? Is that an intro?" We just couldn’t figure it out. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Bagsy Not in the Net

We were listening to music and sailing by Christopher Cross came on and I remember saying to George, ‘do you remember back in the day when I said this would make an amazing garage sample’ and we kind of looked at each other like ‘fuck’. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Don't Worry

I didn’t write that song; my dad wrote it in the 90’s. It’s the only 1975 song that I’m not credited as a writer on. The reason I put it on the record was because I was going through what influenced me, and that was the first song I ever knew. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Guys

I wanted to write a love song for my friends. I’ve had the same best friends since I was 13. – Matty
— Twitter Music (@TwitterMusic) May 22, 2020

Looking at this list that I curated, I think I wasn't able to attend the listening parties for ILIWYS and ABIIOR. 😅 But good lord, good thing I was able to keep these tweets. They surely belong to the The 1975 museum. 😉

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Pages

Day 3: Focusing on the Positive

Day 2: Emotional Unpacking

The First 12 Hours

Reality Check

The 1975: At Their Very Best (Live in Manila)

A Renewed Faith 🤲🕊️

Cobblestones [♬ ~ #37]

Card Reading: Navigating Unfamiliar Emotional Territory 🎴

The 1975 Listening Parties: Song Insights

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