I have been noticing for the past few days that I'm having this slightly sinking feeling in my chest, and that's because I realized I was missing some of the good things that I've shared with my ex. I am now finally acknowledging that feeling. I am just human, and this is a major life experience because this is the first time that I have experienced something like this. Being in love and being involved with someone was something that I didn't expect for myself this year. It's something that came out of nowhere, which I welcomed because, in hindsight, I was curious about how I would be as a girlfriend and how I would welcome someone in an intimate way into my life. I admit, It was a roller-coaster kind of ride. I felt happy while it lasted. 😅 The aftermath of that relationship was another huge process for me. It led me to learn a lot about myself because even though I have existed for more than thirty years (🤣), I never thought that I would see myself in those kinds of situations. It was a very transformative experience with both positive and negative effects. 

The positives are, of course, the obvious ones. I was happy; I felt taken care of. I felt the highs of being in love and being in a caring relationship. The negatives became apparent only after the relationship was over because I learned that when you're in a relationship, you only see the positives. Now that I am out of that relationship, I saw crystal clear all the red flags that I was ignoring for the longest time. It's been a few months after the breakup, and I'm still processing a lot of things. I'm over the worst, thankfully, but I'm still doing therapy because I recognize that it is the best thing for me at the moment. I am not yet 100% okay, and I realize that it's okay to feel like this. I don't know if I will ever be 100% okay, and again, that's still okay. 

One thing that I learned about myself is that I tend to pressure myself to be better, which adds to the stress. I was pressuring myself, thinking I should be okay now. That relationship lasted for just months, and early on I knew that it was not the kind of relationship I wanted to be in for the long term... I just didn't have the guts to be firm with my stance. So, I was really thankful that it has been officially removed from my life. However, I admit I still yearn after the good times that we have shared. They say being in a relationship and being in love is like being high on drugs, and getting out of it is like experiencing withdrawal. Now, I am in this stage where I miss the highs. But I recognize that I cannot go back to that relationship because it is not healthy for me. 😔

I am still having this sinking feeling in my stomach. There are some things I am still doing that are unhealthy and delaying my healing progress. I acknowledge that I am struggling in that area. I am doing my best to turn that around. I am returning to the things that I once loved to do, like going to concerts, attending events, and meeting new people. Although I still feel this hollow sensation in my gut, I acknowledge that I still feel sad. I acknowledge that I still miss the person. I just sit with these feelings and recognize that I don't have to act on them. It's like meditation; you just sit with your feelings, observe them, and let them pass. For sure, these emotions that I am carrying will also pass. I have to be compassionate with myself. This is something that my therapist has been telling me. 

I am vocalizing these feelings because this has really helped me during the first few weeks after the breakup. Journaling has helped me express all my emotions in an (almost) unfiltered way. I know I will be okay. I don't know when, but I know that I will. I have to be my own best friend. I will and I am. I am cultivating my own happiness, investing in people who invest in me, and, best of all, spending time with myself and doing a lot of self-reflection. This was once the kind of life experience that I was yearning for, and it was given to me. So really, be careful what you wish for. 😅 I am coming out of this experience as a wiser and more discerning person. This is a gift as well as a curse, and it's up to me how I will look at it. For sure, there were a lot of lessons—many lessons—that I am still digesting. It's hard, and I recognize that, but again, these things will pass. Things will get better. Things are getting better. I will always remind myself of that. 🌸

~o~

Photo taken at Sulok Coffee | Instagram

3/F, Salcedo One Center, 170 Salcedo, Makati City, Metro Manila, Philippines

Since this phase's new moon, I have been experiencing more and more awareness of the struggles that I have endured in recent months. I have been seeing the situation clear as day.

Yes, I do feel like there's no sense to dwell in these emotions anymore. 😮‍💨The clarity given to me is the Universe's gift so I can finally leave and move on.

I needed these words. I have been having this feeling that I would always be afraid from here on because of those experiences, but I trust in the process. There's something better to come. 🙏✨

😭

Oh yes, this is very true. This is why I was able to filter some that attempted already. Duh, I will not entertain this kind of bs anymore.

It's fascinating because a few readings back, the cards said that the obstacle for me in this situation was The Illusion (Clow Card). And now I have cut through that fog because I have been seeing things clearer now. 

AMEN to this. 🙏

Future self, take these lessons with you. ✨

~o~

He had this kind face, and I didn't feel uncomfortable that I was seated with a stranger. His first words to me were [looking at the plastic on the back of the seat]: "Ay para sa suka?" Then I asked, "Filipino?" Then he nodded. He said when he saw my name he knew I was from the same country. We were on the same page: first time travelling in Japan, travelling solo too. It's apparently easy, we agreed, especially the train once you get the hang of it. We didn't talk much throughout the trip, just respecting each other's space.

Back at that time, it was awkward for me to interact with a male species—maybe that's why this moment was special. I didn't know where to place myself. Unfortunately, I pushed away some kindness he showed to me. 😅 I'm just glad I kept a connection with him, because I guess that is already enough for me, and I have proved to myself that I can do the first move. I think he was way way younger than me—I judged it mainly because of his interests (anime, One Piece?). Haha but I'm so happy he didn't use 'po' or 'opo' with me lol. Later would I discover (through his posts) that he is in the medical field, based abroad.

When we saw the snow at the first bus stop, we smiled like silly children—apparently it was both our first time experiencing snow. Although Mt. Fuji would not be visible for this, he completed my own sentence, that this is more preferable because it's more of an immersive experience.

He offered to take my picture, which I was so grateful for, hehe. Of course I offered to take a video of him too. 

Actually it felt like we were friends for a long time, but the setup then was a bit tricky. Do I need to wait for him? But we ended up looking out for each other. When walking on the snow, I was walking so slowly because I was really cautious because of my bad knees, but he walked alongside me to match m y pace. Upon arriving at the steps of the shrine, I wasn't able to say I'll go ahead—lol, he was busy taking selfies I think. I had a mission to do so I didn't want anything to distract me. I told myself that the 400+ steps up to the shrine were my form of sacrifice to offer as gratitude for everything that the Universe has given to me at this point, and that even though I have bad knees, I will do it. And so I constantly climbed up, never stopping for photos or whatnot, paying my respects at the shrine. When it was finally time to go down, I kinda felt bad because I could have taken photos of him at that great spot in front of the pagoda.

I was last to arrive at the bus (uh, I knew I was minutes late but I didn't want to rush walking because of the snow). And he was waiting for me. I think the tour guide asked him where I was LOL. 

I'm always awkward when someone takes photos of me. He offered, which is really cool, but haha I'm just awkward with posing, so I just told him I'll walk around the park to continue some self-reflection.

When we parted ways at the bus stop, it was so cold, the wind was blowing so hard I couldn't think straight. All I knew was that all the words I rehearsed in my mind to say as our parting words he had already said himself, so actually I wasn't able to say anything and just nodded and patted his shoulder to say thank you too. And then he went into that building. I wasn't able to say a proper goodbye as the ramen place I was planning to go to was in the opposite direction.

It was a brief encounter but it's nice to meet people with the same mindset, and for sure if it was a different setup, we would get along well. I guess my takeaway from this experience is that it is indeed possible to find someone you'll like. I just need to expand my horizon. 😅

I just want to state: don't fall in love with the moment and think you're in love with someone, just like the 1975 song says. Like those math love stories, we were perpendicular lines, meant to intersect at one dot, then go our own ways forever. Thanks to you. And yup, cherry blossoms and the snow will remind me of you. 🌸❄️

~o~

This entry was written and drafted in 2019. 💖

The problem here (THE LITTLE) is that I am finding it difficult to start a new beginning. I know what my goal is, but I'm finding it difficult to really move forward because I'm stuck in a cycle (THE MAZE). I feel like I am moving in circles, always arriving at where I started. I feel confused and trapped in the current situation. I am uncertain of the path ahead. The cards are on point when it says that I'm facing a challenge with no clear solution. It feels like I'm always starting over, making progress, but then I always fall back to step one, and the cycle just continues. 

The reason for this is first, I have very impulsive emotions (THE THUNDER). I am having difficulty controlling the remnants of those powerful emotions that are still within me. This goes hand in hand with THE WINDY card, which represents communication (I'll leave it at that 😉). 

The solution is represented by the two cards: THE SHIELD and THE EARTHY. The Shield represents setting boundaries. I really have to establish firmer boundaries in this situation (again, very on point 🎯). The second card, The Earthy, means I need to focus on fundamental matters and the core components of the situation. I can't focus when I'm looking at the small details; I have to zoom out and see things in a practical way, the bigger picture. In that standpoint I will recognize why it happened that way and why I should work on myself to leave my current mindset. 

This leads me to the obstacle, which is THE ILLUSION, which represents the fears and desires that I have. It aligns with my previous reading, representing my delusion. I am being blinded by my own judgment and bias, making it difficult for me to move forward. 

However, the future is promising. THE DREAM represents a person's greatest wishes, desires, or fears. In this context, I feel it is a positive card because, even though I am confused right now, there is still hope and energy of encouragement and guidance. I will always be guided in what I need to do; I just need to have the strength of character to follow it. 😅The outcome is THE LIGHT. I am still in the midst of the journey, but eventually, I will see that things will go well. I will achieve my goal of hope and renewal. 

How others see this situation is THE CHANGE card. It means that other people see this as an opportunity for me to change my attitude and point of view, which is what everyone is telling me to do, but I am not really following. 🤣 This is the best time for me to start new lessons or pursuits and to be open to more possibilities. ✨

With this deeper interpretation of the cards, it is crystal clear what the Universe's message for me is today. I almost cried because, wow, even the cards are telling me to do what I already know, but I am not doing it. 

So, self, you've already received the answer. You know what to do. 😎

It's indeed scary how one conversation, one call, or one chat message, can suddenly shift your energy, making you reevaluate your priorities in your life. One moment today, I was so preoccupied with my work deadlines, even doing overtime at the office and not realizing there were only two of us employees still in the same floor doing some work (I realized this after taking off my earphones and realizing that apparently everyone on the floor had gone home 😅). I was actually still planning to do some work upon arriving home, but then another moment comes and I realize that I'll have to take an emergency leave to attend to some medical stuff in the family. Suddenly, those imminent work deadlines don't seem so important anymore. 

I have been ruminating these feelings in the past few days, and I already anticipated this event happening, but of course nothing prepares you until it happens. I was sitting with these emotions... of realizing that it's really a different kind of responsibility being the child who is the primary caretaker of both your aging senior parents. Anticipatory grief is always present (some days hit harder). And you know, this is just one fact of life. It's a hard pill to swallow, but my situation is nothing unique. But of course, that doesn't mean that it is easy. Now that I am experiencing this, I feel overwhelmed. 

I'm proud and grateful that I get to give back to my parents. My "giving love languages" to them are acts of service and gifts. I find joy in doing things for them and giving them stuff that I know they will enjoy. It's also a gift that I get to know them, not just as my parents, but also as people, with personalities, dreams, and experiences that are outside of them being my parents. As I grow older, I also got to realize that they are not perfect people. I see their imperfections, and I accept (or tolerate? 🤣) them.

It's a different kind of mental weight to realize that your life pillars are now relying on you, especially now that I am in this stage of relearning to rely on myself. I'm realizing that I need to really take care of myself more, so that I could better take care of the people (and animals 🐶😸) that are depending on me. I have to take care of myself holistically (physically, mentally, emotionally) so that I can be the best version of myself and be there to support the people (and again, animals 🤣) that are important to me.

But you know, as an overthinker, my emotions tend to sway to the extremes. Fortunately, I am learning to manage this. My resilience has been tested and built to be stronger through my experiences in the last few months, and perhaps it was divine timing that it happened. Through that experience, I have learned the tools that are effective for me in regulating my nervous system. One of them is writing on this blog. 😉This is the reason why I'm here again, writing this. I am again emotionally dumping on the blog. 😅 One of the traits that I learned of myself is that in relationships (platonic or romantic), I tend to always be the listener. I enjoy listening and supporting the people that are important to me (as long as I have the social battery for it 🔋). However, on the other hand, I find it difficult to ask for help. This is related to my pattern of putting other people's needs first before mine. I'm working on it, but it still feels challenging for me to be the one that initiates sharing my woes and worries in a conversation. This is why I'm so thankful for my friends who know me well and recognize this tendency of mine. With just one "by the way, how are you" message inserted in our conversation opens the floodgates for me. 🥹

I also learned that I have to be my own cheerleader. I have to be my own biggest supporter and best friend. No one will come and save me, but myself (a homage to the lesson in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban). I will be relying on myself in this lifetime, and so I need to cultivate a good relationship with myself. That positive energy, for sure, will ripple to the people around me.

This particular life situation is still unfolding for me, and the safest space for me to emotionally unload... is this blog. 😅 Writing my feelings out helps me to really process them. Journaling feels like that Harry Potter spell wherein you extract a memory from your head and place it in a basin (what is it called again?) and examine that memory as an outsider. I feel like that is what I'm doing here, but instead of memories, I am dealing with my emotions. During journaling, I would cry, and I realized that it's a healthy way to process emotions. Before, I used to cope with negative emotions by suppressing them, and just allowing myself to shut down and not feel anything. But because of my recent life experiences, I realized that that's not the way to go. And so now I'm on the other side of things. I am now feeling the feelings, embracing the wave of emotions as they flow through me.

I need to be there for my parents, especially my mother. My mom is a strong-willed person, but I realize she has the impulse to panic and to think too much (I guess I now know where I got the trait from 😅).  She is the kind of person who gets stressed riding planes because she's so afraid of turbulence. The last time we flew, she held my hand during a very slight turbulence. Meanwhile, I am the kind of person who enjoys turbulence as if it's a roller coaster ride. The wilder the turbulence, the more I enjoy it. 🤣I mean I do imagine the worst-case scenarios to happen during that time, but then I just think, well at least the end would be instant (excuse the morbid thoughts).

I can just imagine her train of thoughts anticipating this experience. I pray that she gets to sleep and rest well before her operation. I pray that she doesn't think too much of it and to let her know that we, her family, are there to support her. For myself, I'm just anticipating that being in the waiting area of the operation room will be an emotional experience for me, so I am praying those same prayers for myself. 

I had to drop everything at work; the deadlines occupying my headspace for most of the day are not my top priority anymore.

I'm praying for the best outcome. I'm praying for my mother's health and for everyone in the family as we all go through this. I know some friends read this blog, so if you've read this far, can I make a request for prayers for my mom? That would mean a lot. Thank you. 🥺